sideways eight.

Fashion on loop.

2012-02-12T21:55:00.002+08:00

Fashion is a strange creature. it consists of the most peculiar outfits and accessories, but its true form would be a combination of the strongest and most passionate attitudes. Fashion is loud, outstanding, and mysterious. it appears in various forms to different people--sometimes a bucketful of rainbows, sometimes stuffed with madness, wrath and loneliness. it is one of the biggest mysteries in life. nobody knows how exactly Fashion works its way into our lives, but the silly victims only follow without having a mind of their own.

now here is what i hate about Fashion. it influences every generation differently that we end up looking completely different from decade to decade. now, we are in the 2010s, and Fashion decides to pick its victims carefully. with the absence of shoulder pads and super-platform heels, Fashion is already quietly replacing those iconic items.

i walk on the streets of Malaysia and i can spot the similarities easily. perhaps it would be rude to call them Fashion's victims, for each and every one of us perceives Fashion differently. yet i hate it. i hate how 80% of the teen/college girls dress up in a similar fashion. you can tell.

first they can choose from either a dress or a pair of shorts. both would most likely be high-waisted. then with whatever top she decides to couple it up with, there is always a cardigan as the outer layer. not a medium-thick, warm and fuzzy cardigan to keep you warm in cold shopping malls or lecture halls. it's the kind of cardigan that's so fine and thin that i am pretty sure that even i can rip it apart with my bare hands. (i fell for the peer pressure and purchased one, then realized what i did and yelled at myself mentally for being such an idiot)

as for the dress, it would always be something from Topshop, Cotton On or Forever 21. you would recognize it because you would have seen it a million times by now. in different colours and sizes. along with the dress, there would definitely be a belt. it's either a very thin black or brown belt or a thick, wide belt that looks like a gigantic elastic band(it is, in fact) with decorations sewn on. the dress would also be floral in some way.

i don't really pay attention to the shoes because they would either just wear flats or gladiator heels/flats. and then there's the hair. every single girl's hair is the SAME. long, either chest/waist-length, usually black and undyed. if it's dyed it would be brown. and also they would have painted their nails, too.

take note that i am not against this fashion, but the way that almost every girl out there is influenced to dress this way and they continue to do it, it tires me. i'm sincerely hoping that Malaysian girls would stop trying to look pretty and find a real identity for themselves. if you tell me this is your real identity, then fine, go with it. i'm just another blogger girl voicing out her opinions. i'm not going to bug you for your entire life telling you to change what you like.

disclaimer : just because i despise this repetitive way of dressing does not mean you should stop dressing up like that. if you like this style and you are completely comfortable with it, i am not stopping you. but if you are merely following this style because it is seen everywhere now and it makes girls look extra pretty(or at least, that's what you think), please adjust your perception of beauty and make up your mind about who you truly want to be.

it's only embarrassing when you think it is.

so don't be afraid to be yourself, even when it's a little ugly.

i mean seriously, who doesn't pick their nose or fart or have fats in their thighs or laughs like a goof or poops naked?

we're human.

embrace yourself.

"why trap yourself in a chicken coop when you're born as an eagle to soar the skies?"

and this is yet another 'inspiring' lecture.

thank you for staying till the end.

i appreciate it *this much.

*the distance between the Sun and the furthest planet you can find on the Solar System.

stand up.

2012-02-03T21:32:00.002+08:00

it's the 3rd of February, it may be an insignificant day to all of you out there, but to me, today was an accomplishment. a first. what you're about to read may contain completely silly and naive thoughts, so if you cannot handle a soon-to-be 20-year-old talking about tiny steps and petty matters, you should stop reading now.

you have been warned.

today, i mark the first day ever to the possibly largest(i really hope so) life i will ever live. today, i have lived one of my smallest dreams--that is, to step into the LRT station and head on over to KLCC/Petronas Twin Towers or more precisely, Suria KLCC Park Mall, alone.

this is my story.

for the past nineteen years of my lives i have never really went anywhere on my own. on public transport to somewhere a little more faraway, i mean. even running around the neighbourhood is a freedom i have only recently gained. my mother is a paranoid Chinese woman. paranoid, but all the more lovely and despite the times when i want to scream in her face, i love her the most. there is no denying to that. yet, being the paranoid woman she was(and still is now, just less), my childhood mostly consisted of staying at home watching television or visits to the mall. no parks. no museums. no zoos. (she hated the zoo because of the heat, and there was once she sprained her ankle in a bird park, and i never asked her to bring me anywhere like that ever again.) i think maybe that's why i've garnered so much curiosity and perhaps a lot more love than i thought i would for tourist attractions like these.

so you see how it's a big deal to me, to be able to achieve something so small and simple as perceived by others, yet to me, it was a step ahead. it was a start to something that i am finally going to acknowledge it as 'life'. because after a few years of trying to convince myself that life is about taking risks(at times, not always), i have finally took a huge risk myself in making such an achievement.

because apparently to an almost 20-year-old, taking public transport to a tourist attraction is quite the gutsy thing to do.

although it didn't feel as dramatic as it was played back in my mind, it turned out good. i was happy. a little tired, but happy. i took my time. i didn't need to listen to anyone. i didn't need to tolerate anyone. i didn't need to come to terms with anyone. it was just me, and some good ol' alone time. i didn't have to live up to someone else's expectations and i certainly didn't have to care about someone else's thoughts. i could breathe.

it was a whole new experience, a way out for myself.

and now i know that i am definitely capable of doing a thousand more things.

reassurance. acknowledgement. recognition.

i am beginning to finally love myself. and feeling alive.

moment of appreciation.

2012-01-31T20:26:00.000+08:00

sometimes i think about all the things i don't have compared to all the other people in the world. but now, now i'll tell you what i have.

i have a family who loves me even though i can be a pain sometimes.
i have friends, whom i don't really meet up with very often, but when i do call them, they're always, always there for me.
i have no missing body parts or organs.
i have a home. a shelter. a roof over my head.
i have a bed, a pillow and a blanket.
i have my own room.
i have had a smooth experience in life until now.
i have more than enough clothes and accessories. and shoes.
i get to bathe twice a day everyday.
i live in Malaysia, where it is free from almost all types of natural disasters.
i have access to almost every type of food you can imagine.
i always have money in my wallet.
i own my own camera, phone, laptop, headphones and ipod.
all the apple products i have are either a gift or a prize.
electricity at the tip of my fingers.
public transport. two family cars.
sharing sites on the Internet.
freedom of speech.
i have not been robbed or stolen of any property.
the privilege to be educated.
the absence of any violent or fatal epidemic diseases.
proper brain function. the ability to think and decide.
being literate.
being a pinch more better in drawing than others.
the existence of my plush toy collection.
to own a Wacom Bamboo Tablet.

and a whole lot more, obviously. these are just the ones i got off the top of my head.

tell me what you're grateful about? do share. (:

only human.

2012-01-31T18:43:00.000+08:00

"it's my last year as a teenager, i wanna do something big."

"life is too short to not take risks."

"i want to die with no regrets."

we're human. we can't do everything all at once. we can't do everything everyone has ever done in one lifetime. we choose. we make decisions. we live with those decisions. we make friends. we gain experience. we miss our family. we go back. we live.

sometimes it's silly to make a statement without actually practicing what you preach. yet simultaneously, sometimes, we forget what slips out of our lips. we forget the exact words and especially the precise meaning, then we just leave it behind. one day we are reminded of this very thought, then we look back at what we've been doing--or not doing--for weeks, months, years. time wasted, forgotten, expired.

sometimes you're spending too much time just thinking, forming a endless train of thoughts in your mind, never to be broken apart because you're so lost in your own world. these thoughts comfort you, lullabies you to sleep, because it is only in your mind where you feel the safest. absolutely nothing can touch you inside of your head. you are invincible. until you remember the fact that we are only human. we are the least of being invincible.

you shouldn't put off anything you want to do. make time.

you should remember more. remember the good times, the things you've said, the promises you've made, the dreams you dreamed with your eyes open.

we shouldn't be ashamed of being human. gain confidence in that, for you are as human as you can be, and you must be grateful you are no automaton. if you are an automaton with a routine lifestyle, change that now. be reminded of your innocence and hopes, and run free.

(also, sometimes i don't make complete sense.)

gibberish.

2012-01-29T23:58:00.003+08:00

still wondering how it would be to be in love with a person who's also in love with you. how much i would smile and laugh till everything hurt. how i would give away my first kiss to someone i may or may not be in complete love with. how it may or may not turn out like what i see in the movies. although, i do hope for the best. maybe i'll hold his hand first, maybe i'll carry him on my back, maybe everything will be backwards. maybe the good things will come first and then the worse. maybe we'll find ourselves in pieces. maybe i'll learn a thing or two. maybe i'll finally learn to be true to myself, stop hiding and lying at myself. perhaps he will come along to teach me that lesson, then leave, leaving me heartbroken, lost but gained again something new.

love will be something i never saw coming.

unexpected. wild and untamed, raw and vicious. blades and arrows, love will teach me to fight for what is worth the fight. love will be like in the stories, with hunters and beasts, blood and guts spilling everywhere, all for the princess, all for the queen, all for the prince, all for the king. love will be the story, like words, piercing and hurtful, straight and painful to the ears. merciless. love shall be amazing, well thought out, a tree of life, and nothing close to whatever i have mentioned above.

i still don't know what love is, and i still don't understand it.

dear children of the future,

2012-01-21T01:10:00.000+08:00

do not stay home all the time. do not glue your bottoms to the seat in front of your precious computer or whatever it is you will call it in 10, maybe 20 years' time. do not make up excuses to stay home. if the weather is good or you just feel suffocating in your room, get out.

put on your sneakers or just a pair of flip-flops, and just walk out of the house. if your mother is yelling behind you for you to come back, run. scream at her you will be back before dinner time. and that this is necessary in life. your life. always, always keep in mind that this is your life you're living. not anyone else's but your own.

please define life. constantly ask yourself what is your purpose in life. know what you want. do not be blindly guided on by adult figures in your life forever. they can only be around to give you sensible and rational advice at times when you are losing control. but when you are not, remember : you are the one to make the decision. you decide who to listen to and who to not.

i've said this too many times, perhaps more than your mother did or even more than that very caring friend you have, but please, do not stay home at all costs. stay home when you are tired, when your parents need you at home--otherwise, don't. get out there. your life is not restricted to just your home.

it's 1:20AM.

2012-01-19T01:20:00.003+08:00

Zombie Ben says hi.

2012-01-17T23:03:00.004+08:00

Montri wanted a zombie. so i drew him one.

the life of a game programme.

2012-01-17T21:49:00.000+08:00

so... i started playing Temple Run. finally.

do i suck for getting a high score at only around 127,000?

very, very quick ~~and lousy~~ doodle.

trigger-happy.

2012-01-15T18:24:00.002+08:00

well, that's it! if you've made it till the end(which is precisely here), thank you. this is exactly what i do when my parents are out, my brother is out, and i'm the only one at home. after i run out of series or movies to watch, that is. i know i'm not the most brilliant fashionista out there, but as you can tell, i like simple outfits that aren't really too out-of-the-world. that and my wardrobe consists mostly of t-shirts and shorts, anyways. and if you haven't noticed already, yes, hats do have quite a special place in my heart. i do love hats. that's also the hoodie i bought recently that i'm too in love with--baggy clothes are possibly the love of my life.

here's the list of things i wore in all these photos :

white tank top - F.O.S.

long floral skirt - flea market in The Curve

beige fedora - Kitschen

suspenders - Deeper and Harder

straight cut jeans - F.O.S.

hippie band(not very obvious in the photos) - Forever 21

black hoodie with prints - Pull and Bear

newsboy cap/hunter hat mash-up - Tropicana Life
clip-on bow tie - Kitschen

bear hat - Genting Highlands

grey cardigan - SS2 morning market (mom bought it)

black leggings - SS2 morning market (also bought by mom)

necklace - ieam, i think. forgot the store's name.

red fitted cap - B.U.M. Equipment

black beanie - Deeper and Harder

thumb ring - mom gave it to me. (:

hope ya had a laugh or two scrolling through my ridiculous photos! i'm a lot weird like that.

stopping by.

2012-01-14T01:28:00.000+08:00

i am proud to announce that i have finally finished all six seasons of Supernatural and am now waiting for my friend to download Season 7 in HD when it's finished on tv. he has Unifi, i don't, and i do need a real life right now. here are some stuff i watched today that i would gladly share with you.

also, this :

be nice, Sam. Cas just wanted a hug.

ALSO, this :

downloaded Greyson Chance's new album for kicks and it turns out to be pretty damn good.

i really liked Home Is In Your Eyes. for a 14-year-old who got famous by accident, i could actually really feel the emotions in that song, proving that he's really quite a something, no?

i see potential, Greyson Chance. plus, i like his name.

(you have to admit it, Chance is a pretty damn cool last name.)

over and out.

we're young and we're dancing.

2012-01-11T12:35:00.001+08:00

stumbled upon this video on my friend's twitter, and realized that they're both only 17.
i love brave kids like this.
now i'm dancing in front of my computer, aspiring to dance in an Apple Store just like them.

i'm turning 20 this year and i don't plan to have any regrets.

i won't give up.

2012-01-03T21:48:00.001+08:00

Jason Mraz has always been one of my biggest source of inspirations and motivations in my life ever since I'm Yours was released back in 2008. it's been four years since his last album and frankly, i do quite miss his music. there's another song titled The World As I See It released back in September of 2011 that's less of a mainstream pop song compared to this one, but really, i love almost every single song he has ever written.

the first lesson i've learned in 2012 is to not give a single damn about what people think of you, even if those people are some of your closest friends, or friends you never want to lose. it's unfair to live by someone else's level of expectation, or their definition of 'good'. for the past few months i've been struggling to keep my emotions in, mostly the negative ones, simply because a friend of mine once told me something along the lines of "if you're gonna be more depressed or angry about nothing, you're going to be less of a friend of mine". maybe she meant it in a way to motivate me to happy, but i guess i took it the wrong way and i started to just hold everything in, like i was holding my breath all along--it was nothing close to being happy.

i understand now that in order to be happy, one must first accept that we are sometimes unhappy. only when we acknowledge our unhappy times, we are able to intensify the happier moments, thus feeling a lot more grateful for these precious moments. so, instead of magnifying one's negative emotions or down days, what we should do is diminish them, and treasure the finest moments of our lives whenever we can.

we need to live with our unhappy days. we're human that way. we have ups and downs, and the downs make the ups seem to worth a lot more than just a simple brunch with friends, dinner with family, or some time to yourself. it's when you pull yourself together after breaking apart, albeit being pieced together a little different from before, that makes what comes after so worth it. the very precise moment when you realize you are fully capable of being happy, you promise yourself that you will never forget this bravery, this pure courage to step off the edge of the world to pass on the love, even if it might hurt yourself.

because hurting is what makes us human.

“You can't be happy unless you're unhappy sometimes.” --Lauren Oliver, Delirium

so i won't give up on myself, on you, and on life.

2012.

2012-01-02T21:04:00.000+08:00

my last five days at Genting consisted of seeing glowing eyes in the forest while on the cable car, thinking i'm Peter Pan and fearless; missing the countdown on New Year's Eve to wait for a non-existent fireworks display; babysitting two of my cousins; being paid for all of my expenses; donating money to a seemingly suspicious organization(but i donated anyways); spending half of my time queuing up for rides and thinking why my relatives are so indecisive and loud sometimes; getting a refund of RM60 from a kind Genting worker; holding a stranger's hand for less than five seconds and screaming really loud with her on the first seat of Corkscrew; going on the Euro Express thrice when New Year's Day started; woke up really grumpy on New Year's Day and possibly ruined everyone else's day; watching Mission Impossible 4 : Ghost Protocol as my first movie of 2012; eating chips in the middle of the night albeit the pain in my gums; watching the fireworks display up-close; and spending all five days without Internet.

it's 2012 now.

i'll be turning twenty in nine months. it doesn't bother me much.

happy new year, everyone.

remind me to get a job and my driving's license very soon. (:

shouldn't be a good in goodbye - Jason Walker

2011-12-28T22:07:00.000+08:00

photo taken by Cole Rise.

maybe i'm complaining too much, but holidays have been a little bland to me. although the fact that i can go out freely now and i don't need to study anymore is a relief, but it feels like i'm doing little to nothing. ...okay, i am complaining too much.

i've already finished a couple of books, and now i'm onto the third--something i've been wanting to read for quite a while now : J.M. Barrie's Peter Pan. i'm not even halfway through the book yet, but it's very interesting to see how all the characters were originally portrayed. Nana, the Saint Bernard nurse is simply amazing. you just have to read the book if you're already a fan of the Disney cartoon movie and the 2003 movie version.

there haven't been much updates, i only went out with my friends a few times, and really, there's not much to talk about. it's not that i didn't enjoy these outings, but they were just simple and sweet moments to me. it was uneventful but still memorable to me. yeah, i'm weird like that. the real updates are 1) i cut my hair short, 2) i've been doing daily challenges so i can keep my mind fresh all the time, 3) the lack of busyness has been expanding my greed somehow--i just pray for this greed to disappear soon.

also am just dropping by to tell you that i'll be away for five whole days! that's Thursday(29/12/2011) to Monday(2/1/2012). i'll be happily feeding myself with heavenly junk food 3000 feet above sea level at Genting Highlands. or rather, 2000 plus feet because we're staying at Awana Resort, which is only at the half-peak. anyhoo, i will see you next year!

and since i won't be around for New Year's, here are my New Year's resolutions:

1. less talk, more actions.

2. be more courageous and daring.

3. get better at communicating with people.

4. read more. on everything.

5. complain less, think more.

just five simple things that i hope i'll be able to practice throughout 2012!

also, i don't believe in the Mayan premonition, but i do hope that we all don't die next year.

i'm sure we won't, right?

goodbye 2011, you've been surprisingly amazing and wonderful. i'll miss you, but it's about time we move on, and i'm sure 2012 will be awesome in a different way too.

Merry Christmas.

2011-12-25T18:42:00.001+08:00

picture taken from tumblr.

had a nice Christmas morning at Acts Church today: i teared up a lot more than i had expected, and the experience was definitely a lot better than what i had in mind. Pastor Kenneth is brilliant and i really like how it feels like a rather large, extended family at Acts Church despite the HUGE amount of people they have. Acts Campus Church also sound like something i would actually go for--considering i still have time and it does, actually, interests me. (well, apart from the RM195 camp fees and the extra RM20 for the shirt, that is--but i think the entire camp is supported by the church itself and no one else, so i suppose it's understandable.)

i've got quite the huge Christmas present this year--like the topic of today's Christmas service, not something i deserve, but i suppose, something i need. i won't tell you what it is, but it's definitely the best gift of the year, the decade, perhaps? also, i was feeling rather bummed out about getting presents for friends(just three) but not receiving any, and today i realized what an idiot i was. of course receiving presents feel awesome, but to give someone something that they need, or something that will just make them smile again, i believe that is the biggest gifts of them all.

it's not New Year's Day yet, but i think i have an ultimate resolution now : i hope i can do what i actually tell myself to do, and not put them off or forget about them all the time. i hope that i'll be able to act a lot more than i usually bring myself to in 2012, and hopefully, for my entire life.

Christmas this year has been quite wonderful. i am eternally grateful for being alive until now to experience all this. i find it silly now to worry needlessly about petty matters.

Merry Christmas to y'all too, i hope you'll all lead wonderful lives, filled with both joyous and sorrowful experiences, so we are able to grow stronger of a human and treasure the littlest, most beautiful moments of our lives.

Sarah Kay : If i should have a daughter...

2011-12-23T00:53:00.001+08:00

if you haven't watched this, you really, REALLY should.

she left me breathless and got me wanting for more. more of this beautiful world she talks about.

Christmas isn't here yet.

2011-12-20T22:30:00.000+08:00

today was a productive day, where my wallet almost bled to death, all thanks to myself. today is also the day when i decide never to visit Paddington's House of Pancakes ever again, because their new menu (and there's no other way to say it) sucks. big time. whoever's the genius behind this change is obviously an absolute idiot, because i personally think by attempting to gain new customers, they just lost a LARGE portion of their old, faithful customers. too bad, PHOP.

also, for the first time in my life, i did my Christmas shopping, and spent more than i accounted for on just three people. why do i even bother getting them gifts? i'm not exactly sure. it's my way of saying 'thank you for sticking around all these times and for not ignoring me half the time'. although the boys do sort of ignore me when Li Ann isn't exactly around to entertain them. i'm usually the odd one out. i sometimes like it that way, just tuning into their conversations and laughing along. i think i do that most of the time, anyways.

nevertheless, it was a day well spent with the long-time best friend--Yi Xuan. haven't seen her in the longest time(well okay maybe not, just a few months, the last i saw her was at my birthday, i think) and today we finally spent time shopping together like normal people.

nothing else to report.

i'll come back next time with actual photos, i hope.

before it's too late.

2011-12-16T22:52:00.000+08:00

STPM ended yesterday, i went out for dinner last night and even Nostalgia today, but i am home with zero photos. i was reading Delirium by Lauren Oliver for a while, until i reached a part where she described the characters' graduation day. i realized how i could relate to all of the narrator's feelings, even though i did none of the things they did in the book. listening to Goo Goo Dolls' Before It's Too Late doesn't quite help either. this strong surge of nostalgia is already hitting my heart like a hammer, leading me to wonder about all of our futures.

i am mentally looking back at all of the things we've done together in the past one and a half years. Form 6 has been such a close-knitted group of friends to me. it's like we're always fooling around like children, always carefree, always watching out for each other, always together. now, this ending, it's making me want to sob and drown myself in tears, hugging all of those friends who has been there for me throughout this adventure, not wanting to let go. at all.

i wonder about all of our futures, whether if we'll lead perfect lives just as we planned to, or end up broken? it is obviously a good mixture of both, but it really got me thinking : will we ever cross paths again? are we ever going to talk to each other again after ten, twenty years? or are we all simply too insignificant for each other by that time, because we will be busy working, maintaining a family, getting paid and living a stable life? it sometimes scares me, to think that in five more years or less, i may not ever talk to any of my high school friends ever again, because by then i might be too caught up in a superficial world, where networking is considered as top-priority.

i certainly don't want that to happen.

i'm still holding on to my insecurities and i know it's silly, but to start an adventure sans any friends at all, it's kind of scary. well, it's always been scary. i'm okay with being alone, but to be alone and going into a new environment, to make new friends, that idea has always terrified me.

i am currently trying to make a lot of mental notes, hoping that i actually remember each and every one of them.

i am already starting to miss every single one of you.

especially you, you, you, and you. and you.

p/s: i told myself to apologize less,

but i do apologize for the slightly crappy blog post today.

i guess my mind just sorta stopped at one point.

stretch.

2011-12-08T23:44:00.001+08:00

hello!

by the time STPM ends for me, half of December will already be over. by the time i am back from my cousin's wedding, i will only have around two weeks of December. sounds like a good time to rest, catch up with friends, and do a lot of stupid and fun things.

everyone seems to be at ease already. people watching animes, going on tumblr, going out to shop and hang out with friends. i even went to IKEA with my friends for dinner and shopped afterward. finally bought my Chinese New Year clothes too! got myself a (rare)sleeveless shirt and a short-sleeved hoodie from Kitschen! i should have taken photos but i forgot. gee.

i'm quite in the jolly mood now, if you can tell. happy about STPM finally coming to an end because i just need to study for a few more days! approximately a week, but it'll feel shorter than that, so there are pros and cons to it. less time to study, but time will pass quicker and STPM will end in a jiffy! it's funny how i'm counting down to the last day of STPM now when we were only counting down to the beginning of STPM about a month ago. at last, i'm at my final week. even though i'm going to end later than everyone else, i'm going to end it with a bang--knowing that my last paper is English Literature Paper 2, i'm going to scratch my brains out for the essays even if i have to.

i'm excited as a nerd to read all my books after this exam! (look at that unnecessary exclamation point, you understand my over-excitement for books now, don't you?) and watch a lot of Supernatural, along with other movies and series. hoping to watch all of Heroes and Glee if i can find someone to download it for me, too. i might beg my mom to buy me Delirium, pathetically. already spent RM100 on those ridiculously awesome new clothes and i don't want to spend anymore on books. we'll see what my mom says.

p/s: tell me what i should write about, because i'm trying to broaden my horizons through writing and reading. i think reading books during the holidays will definitely help a lot, but suggestions will be equally appreciated too! i love suggestions, so just send'em in!

this is Remy who's a little pouty about saying 'i love you', as drawn and owned by tatouji on Deviant Art!

go check her out, i really love her drawings!

influential.

2011-12-05T20:15:00.001+08:00

it is already the fifth of December, and i feel as though even the final drop of my inspiration juice has been sucked out from my soul. i've not yet evolve into the sort of person who gets inspired differently by the same stories, so right now all i'm really dreading for is new experiences and mostly, new books to read. which i do have: i think around ten unread books or so are lying lifeless in my bookshelf, awaiting to be given life as i flip through each and every awesome page. (yes i am quite reduced to the point where my best adjective is possibly 'awesome' and nothing more.)

also, i would love to spend the second half of December shopping for decent clothes. dresses and pants are what i'm looking for. and shorts. i will try to keep myself away from t-shirts, because i already have too many. and shoes. i will need a decent pair of flip-flops. i am also still mentally punching myself quite violently, for not buying anything from that 3-day Padini sale. why won't you listen to Heart, Brain? you can be such a douche bag sometimes, Brain. but hey, Brain keeps my sanity alive. ...or does it? i don't know anymore.

all i have left is around ten more days to endure more studying. until then, i'll torture your eyes with what i've been indulging myself in. YG Family Concert was held on the 3rd and 4th of December, and boy was i ecstatic about it even though i was more than four thousand kilometers away from the concert venue itself. Dae Sung and G-Dragon's comeback was too important to miss, and i've already gathered an unhealthy amount of photos from the concert.

(KVIPs who took all these photos, thank you SO MUCH. some of these photos are so HQ that i can't even believe the sight of it. thank you.)

Dae Sung's performance at the concert was flawless.

seeing him on stage like that, singing with all his heart, jumping to the beat, performing with all his soul,

i couldn't have asked for anything else.

also, we got our smiling leader back. (:

is it me, or is Seung Ri growing up real quick these days?

Bae/Tae Yang and his forever-on sunnies.

let's not forget about Tabi/TOP, who can be a real dork even though he's the oldest (:

to see the boys on stage like this, it's a really good feeling.

only Big Bang makes me feel this way.

the kings are officially back.

p/s: some twitter photos from Tae Yang himself!

go follow him on twitter!

p/p/s: here's a super-HQ photo of Big Bang from the official YG Family Concert photo shoot!

p/p/p/s: here's a super-HQ photo of DAESUNG.

BECAUSE I CAN.

a lost generation.

2011-11-29T21:24:00.000+08:00

they tell you to stay away. they tell you to grow up. they tell you to take one step at a time. they tell you a number of things. they tell you what you should do, how you should look like, and what sort of a person you should become. they tell you to be less like you, they tell you to be more like you. they are a million voices in and outside of your head.

they will continue to submerge your mind in countless thoughts and perspectives if you are hesitant to make a decision. nobody can be everybody at once. you must choose. you must make a decision, and honestly, there is no right or wise choice, just your choice. you have to be wakefully aware that you have your entire life in your grasps. look into the vast future and imagine who you want to become. it doesn't matter if you may end up poor, heartbroken, abused, hurt, or foolish, because every choice you make is exactly what makes your life yours and no one else's.

they tell you to stay home. they tell you to study abroad. they tell you to think smart. they tell you to be careful. they tell you everything, but not everything. we are born to live a life of ours, not a life based on others' decisions. the main and only rule of life is to do what you want, or you will never have lived, but merely existed.

you must choose to listen, speak, fight back or flee. do not be ashamed of what sort of a person you have become after all these years, for you are solely responsible for your character, thus you must be proud of it.

there is no truth.

there is only perception.

are you still just standing on the sidelines of your very own life, watching it waste away into ashes?

there are no fancy photos or phrases,

there are only my thoughts which i wish to translate into words.

i hope you're having a great day, stranger.

i hope you're having a great life.

fall and get back up.

2011-11-24T22:27:00.000+08:00

hello, it's been a while, no? STPM started on the 21st, and we've only done 3 papers until now. that's 3 more weeks to go for us. when December begins, we'll be halfway there already.

the reason to the lack of my presence recently is due to my health conditions. right after i came home from studying on the first day of STPM, i had fever. which sucked really bad and went on for 2 days continually. i'm feeling a whole lot better today, but the increase in my body temperature for 2 consecutive days has left its mark, so i now have sore throat(it's probably an ulcer in my throat). which also sucks, but not as bad as fever. i feel enormously better now.

however, there is now a new possibility: i may be getting chicken pox. fever and sore throat are symptoms of chicken pox. my sore throat also doesn't seem like something that will miraculously heal on its own in a couple of days. our family doctor might actually yell at me tomorrow for going to see him so late. meh. medical fees cost a bomb nowadays.

well, i suppose it's better to have this now than after STPM, 'cause i'd be rather bummed to stay home covered in a million blisters than go out with my friends. aside from economics, i think i can score rather well in other subjects. English Literature is a risky one, though. i'm never sure of its outcome.

enough talking about boring school matters! i have a list of post-STPM to-dos waiting for me on the 15th of December, after 5pm! (that's when my last paper ends, oh JOY) i'm prepared to do a bunch of exciting things, including procrastinating like there is no end, draw until my wrist hurts, snap photos until my camera breaks and so much more!

meanwhile, i'll remain the same position as the bulldog shown above.

goodbye.

going to war.

2011-11-16T18:06:00.001+08:00

apart from the fact that i was angry over little things for hours today, it was a pretty good day. had Korean food with mom(and i plan to go back in spite of the price), used my debit card for the first time to buy mom a pair of Uniqlo jeans and finally understood why there are people with a buttload of credit card debts, because it really felt like spending nothing at all. just a wave of my debit card and i could purchase a pair of jeans. horrifyingly convenient.

also spent some time letting my mind wander on its own today. thought about how i will probably never change or transform into the person i want to be, thought about how i will break through, thought about how i might spend my entire life pleasing the people i love, carving smiles on their faces instead of mine. this all sound too noble, but i swear it's what i'm doing--what i've been doing for some time now. i always appreciate it when my mom buys me clothes and i receive gifts--those are unbelievably great, and i feel even more awesome when i give away gifts; yet i can never bring myself to buy material goods for myself. then again, it maybe just a pre-STPM thing, because i am still constantly telling myself that 'i will do all of this after STPM'.

it's a little scary to think that way, though. that i will always want to make everyone else happy, everyone but myself. it's not that i don't want to be happy. i mean, who doesn't want to be happy? i do, i really do. i'm just currently stuck between finding my own happiness and satisfying others. maybe i have a sick, twisted thought that i want to feel appreciated when i give away gifts, but there's also that part of me that feels euphoric whenever i see smiles on their faces. it's 50/50, and i'm still learning to deal with my emotions.

still excited for whatever's waiting for me at the end of STPM. i'm ready to hit the books now, albeit the growing fear and anxiety in me. i'll be okay. i'll handle it. it'll be over before we even know it.

this llama likes you. taken from Gemma Correll's website.

i hereby promise you with loads of photos and pretty pictures after STPM.

everything is after STPM. four weeks. we've been through 17 months now, one more month wouldn't hurt more.

see you on the other end!

a little lost.

2011-11-15T11:27:00.001+08:00

it's 11.27AM in the morning, and i am a mere six days away from the start of STPM. my current feelings? pretty much a large bottle filled with anxiety, excitement, depression, insecurities and perhaps a pinch of anger and guilt. there will probably be a million and two things running through my mind before and during the exams, and i can only hope i won't mess up any essays while i make plans for after STPM.

well, i shouldn't be excited for what's going to happen after STPM since it hasn't even started.

~~(but i still am.)~~

nevertheless, i think i've lost any form of inspirations to draw or write, so i'll stop here before i butcher your mind with my senseless words that are put together but do not make any sense. examinations sometimes make me lose my mind.

till then.

i'll see you again when i actually have something to write about.

meanwhile, have a beautiful music video of Meg & Dia.
if you didn't know, Dia Frampton(main vocalist) was a contestant in the first season of The Voice.

Living Louder.

2011-11-09T22:25:00.003+08:00

that girl who looks pretty even when she snorts or makes silly faces. that particular girl-friend whom almost each and every one of us have. she's beautiful, attractive, has a great fashion sense, more-than-average wealthy, boys adore her, she scores perfect or else really good grades, and she seems to lead the perfect life.

guess what? it's a lie.

nobody, i repeat, nobody leads a perfect life. we are all broken behind the smiling faces, behind all the laughs, in one way or another. by the way, this isn't one of those blog posts where i tell you life is a complete waste of time and we should all just die. we shouldn't. in fact, we should do quite the opposite: live.

it's true that no one on this earth has a flawless life. we all have our bad times, and we can all only learn to cope with it. why are you sacrificing all these good times ahead of you to ponder, to dawdle on all those bad times that are all thrown in the past already? motivational posts are cheesy, i know. but i just need to tell you this : you are more than who you think you are. you are so much more. stop comparing yourself to your friends or family or whoever it is. every single person leads a different life, so no one can ever be compared at the same level. comparing each other is such an unfair thing to do to yourself, so avoid it.

stop looking for things you don't have and check back on the things you already have once in a while. actually, you might as well do this in every single waking moment of your life. you'll be happier that way, i swear. aren't you glad that your parents are still together? aren't you glad that you're born without any disabilities? aren't you glad that you've got amazing friends? aren't you glad that you're alive? that you're still here, still fighting for yourself and the things you believe in? take joy in being alive.

sure your life won't turn out to be some fairy tale, and it may suck 80% of the time, but i promise you, when you look back at it, it'll look amazing. you'll see how much you've went through, stuck around, and what an incredible journey it was. i know this is starting to sound like lines from a movie, but i mean every single word. i want you to live as happy as you can, and do as many things as you wish.

don't be afraid. the last thing you should be is to be afraid of living. throw away that fear. get your butt out there and start doing things. things you love, things you fear. pluck up your courage and finally ask him out. if you get rejected, that's okay too, because there's a guy out there who's been waiting all his life to meet a girl like you. you'll find him. wear a dress, blow bubbles, take a dip in the sea, build sandcastles, go on a roller coaster ride, travel on foot, do whatever you want, as long as it's not going to harm anyone else. you can do all these things you've always wanted to. some maybe long-term projects, so just keep your head up, stock up on a lot of determination and patience, then you're good to go!

i may not know you, i maybe talking to myself, whoever you are, i just want you to know, you need to live a little louder. don't let the words you hear from their lips bring you down. go be who you wanna be. it doesn't matter how you look, what language you speak, or where you're from. go out there and be whoever you want to be. your life won't be perfect, it'll be in pieces no matter what, but at least you'll live the best out of what you've got. promise me that.

just had the urge to write. not a really good one, but this is sorta what i like to write.

stay tuned till after December 15th and i might post up more interesting things! i can read fiction and all my other books by then! YAAAAAAY (can't freaking wait to re-read The Hunger Games and finally get to the Harry Potter series. SIRIUSLY!)

Killing Us Softly.

2011-11-06T22:42:00.001+08:00

please watch as the society render us into sexual objects.

Jasmine, Brave New World isn't too far away, i swear.

dear society, please stop doing this to women. and men.

lovely day.

2011-11-04T22:21:00.002+08:00

hello! today was a good day for me. (:

started off the morning by waking up to my freezing legs. i wore shorts to sleep, it rained, and i didn't even switch on the air-conditioner. Malaysia's weather, now changing at the rate of a human's breathing. i have to admit it though, i rather like drizzly days like these than blazing hot afternoons, which we are about to encounter in a month. Chinese New Year never fails to give people heat strokes. never. anyways, i felt rather healthy this morning because i jogged and walked for about 6 rounds at the park nearby my house. accomplishment!

another accomplishment of the day was playing a little bit more squash. it's only my second time but i can feel that i'm improving, even if it's at a snail's pace. now if only i can practice alone all the time or something. (i'm always so damn embarrassed by my lousy skills compared to my friends, ugh) they're ever so willing to teach me about squash though--through scoldings, giving handicaps to me, and just putting up with me. thanks a lot, friends. i love you all to bits. (no sarcasm intended)

also, i'll be away for three whole days from tomorrow until Monday, because i'll be traveling back to my parents' hometown! gonna see my cousins, relatives and especially my grandparents. (:

and now i shall attempt to burn your eyes with photos of me in my new sweater and one of my favorite hats.

i'm a little crazy these days. but that's okay. i'm letting loose more now. it's good. (:

see you in three days!

the things i feel. the things i want to do.

2011-11-03T20:14:00.000+08:00

all photos do not belong to me.

November the 1st.

2011-11-01T13:01:00.003+08:00

it's been all about books lately. textbooks, notebooks filled with scribbles and notes, highlighted and underlined, flipped over for countless times and others, none at all. neglecting certain books and only focusing on other specific ones, we've all been on the same track for about sixteen months now. and in about less than fifty days, our story within the school grounds will finally end, but hopefully, we will never stop seeing each other.

it's a little dramatic, i know. yet i'd like to see it that way. it has been quite a dramatic roller coaster ride of my life. i've done several things that i've always wanted to do in the past sixteen months with people whom i thought i will never even come close to. i have mentioned this before in a past blog entry: these are in fact, the people whom i will really miss, and are afraid to lose in the future. albeit the fact that i have gotten used to being alone most of the times, i will definitely feel a large void in my soul if these people were to leave my life anytime soon. they've managed to make such an impact on me, that i now know how it's like to have friends whom i will hate and love for all my life.

with a few names up in my mind, i remember how these people have given me countless advice--ultimately useful and sometimes, just downright dumb. some has changed my perception on life, others has changed my perception of myself. i believe, that in many ways, we've managed to leave marks in each other's lives, no matter the size of the mark.

from this moment on, i've decided who i want to become. it's a character almost completely opposite of mine, yet it still retains the good bits of myself. i'm simply adding a sackful of courage into my soul, hoping that my body and mind will follow to absorb every little bit of bravery. courage is what i need and what i want now in my life. i want to put it more action in my life. i'm willing to twist the definition of my life, from safe to a little risky business. it's a huge project for myself, but i'll try.

i'm willing to at least give it a shot.

as quoted.

Slumber Sunday.

2011-10-30T00:59:00.001+08:00

it's Sunday, i'm home alone, and i'm bored. so here are some music to entertain all of us!

an insane cover of Rolling In The Deep by Sam Tsui and Tyler Ward. i'm not really into Sam's covers, but this collaboration with Tyler is just too good to turn down. also, Kurt should make more videos of himself. :D

a new cover just posted up today by Clara Chung, this is incredibly cute and pleasant to listen to! perfect for a relaxing Sunday if you needed something to smile at. both are great singers and painfully adorable.

i personally prefer piano over any other musical instrument. (:
Andrew Johnson is a new discovery i made on YouTube, and i only wished he would post up more covers. okay maybe not a WHOLE lot more, but definitely more whenever he feels like doing one. ultimately looking forward to any more of his works.

invisible waters.

2011-10-28T23:33:00.003+08:00

magic man again.

he's supposed to be underwater. which explains the title of this post.

it's funny how every time i draw him, he manage to turn out looking really good. not that i'm praising my own artworks, but it's really just him who turns out good every single time. without fail. (despite the fact that like every other drawing, he turns out looking different every time too)

and no, he still hasn't got himself a name.

i'm a horrible creator.

note to self:

2011-10-25T16:06:00.003+08:00

photo taken by the lovely Jasmine Abdullah.

when are you ever going to realize that people can't read minds? not everyone reads expressions or pay close attention to how your tone is like every single day. most humans, including yourself, are simple-minded beings who think that their friends are always doing alright, but we both know that we're wrong most of the times.

the only damn way to let people know how you're feeling is to let them know how you're feeling. don't post statuses or tweets that don't make sense to people and expect people to come asking you what the fuck is wrong with your life. only a handful of people do that, and half the time they don't respond immediately because they have their own lives to care about.

tell people. maybe not the whole damn world, but tell those certain people what's wrong and tell them that you need them to listen. it's no sin, even if you probably repeat this five hundred times a month. real friends stay and stick with you and your shit. friends who love you will know that you're going through hard times--although not as bad as theirs or others', but they will stay to listen and do whatever they can do to make you snap out of it. you may not help them as much as they've helped you, but you must at least promise yourself that you will be there for them every time they ask you to just listen.

no one is going to know what you want or what you don't want if you mumble to yourself. speak up and speak loud. you've been afraid for too damn long, xin wei. get out of your little world and start realizing that in order for people to know you, you must tell them about yourself.

p/s: keep this in mind all the time.

thirty days.

2011-10-21T00:14:00.002+08:00

at least, i think it's thirty days. thirty days to one of the major exams that i've actually come to give a shit about. SPM was supposed to be one of the most important exams in my life, but i couldn't care less and only got 3As out of 10 subjects--the rest are Bs and Cs. six months later, i find myself back in school, wearing a different uniform, getting a whole new experience in Form6. STPM is a second chance for me. i've never cared so much about an examination, yet now i am constantly catching myself feeling guilty for not studying or doing anything related to studies. it is now safe to say that i am one step closer to becoming a nerd. the good kind. the smart kind, i hope.

strangely enough, i'm already reminiscing on all of the moments i spent with my friends in Form6. now that i look back, it seems like i barely did anything with them. the hanging-out/dinner/lunch/breakfast/study sessions only started quite recently that i actually regret not doing all this earlier. but that's okay. i'll live with it. if i look closely, all those time spent together are actually more than enough. almost all of those outings were never what i had expected, though i think they turned out a lot better, despite the ups and downs. (like that epic fail surprise party i tried to organize for a good friend/sistaa of mine...well, that's another story to tell some other time.)

thing is, there isn't really thirty days left. after a month, STPM will begin and it will take another four weeks to finish the whole examination(i blame the odd and suspicious-looking exam time table). so, after two months, i may not ever see these people as often again. i've never brought myself to look back at my school life in such nostalgia, but now, i do. i will miss all of this, even though a lot of things failed and a lot of things sucked. i will look back at everything i've done and achieved in merely eighteen months--how much i've grown, then shrunk, then grew again. how i've opened my eyes and embraced the world with a little less fear and a little more faith.

the friends i've made in Form6 have embraced me for who i am. never in my life am i of less pretense among people. all these people have made their mark in my soul--they're incredibly good influence, and i love them to bits.

i apologize if you've read all of the above and endured the cheesiness of this post.

just thought i'd record this point of my life.

it's an important one.

p/s: i was listening to Lego House while writing all of this.

Spotlight.

2011-10-19T00:18:00.000+08:00

you can be your own spotlight.
for you, dear reader.

a little too much to read.

2011-10-18T20:49:00.002+08:00

squash. as in the sport, not the food.

Hoc Leong's all competitive and SERIOUS while Li Ann's just... chilling.

lower right photo : Hoc Leong has this habit of pushing the door with his racket. a LOT.

(the door doesn't have a doorknob, so it doesn't closes properly)

the boy who insists to play. number 1 geek i know and love. (:

(yup, declaring my love for dear Ken-Ji on my blog. please don't unleash the *beast on me. DON'T.)

(*inside joke.)

along with a lot of blur action photos. i was watching them play from upstairs, which explains all the high-angle photos.

Hoc Leong at his least photogenic times. (YES! he ISN'T all that photogenic after all!)

Naj, who seldom appears on my blog, really.

extra large photo to show you how Ken-Ji fell. he falls a lot in the court.

for a geek, he's pretty dramatic when he plays squash. :D

spot the difference!

answer : we switched phones. there were only three phones to play Cars with, because Hoc Leong didn't have the game, so it was my phone, Li Ann's and Ken-Ji's brand new baby.

(yeah, they're all the same models--Nokia C3!)

also had Chatime for the first time in my life. was cheapskate enough to not buy anything and hog everyone else's drinks.

blur photo. my favorite geek posing with his favorite phone and possibly new favorite drink--Mango Smoothie from Chatime.

there you go. and this was only Saturday and Sunday!

i'm out of photos to entertain you, sorry. till next time!

p/s: i need more photos of myself. myself with my friends. oh Lord.

Cameron Mitchell : Stop This Train.

2011-10-12T20:40:00.003+08:00

a couple of months ago, Cameron Mitchell's name kept appearing on my Twitter feed. it turns out he was quite the snazzy sensation from Facebook to Youtube (also pacing along Twitter as well) because he was one of the finalists for The Glee Project, but apparently quit the competition halfway.

anyways, before i tell you more about Cameron Mitchell and this song, let me just say that Jon Draper, the man behind the camera and all(i think) of Cameron's video productions is amazing. the videos he made are great! i love all the colours, the concepts, the brilliant but simple and low-cost ideas. i'll make sure to check out his photography website later, too.

now, onto this boy here. i'm not completely in love with his looks or his voice, but the fact that he's attempted to cover one of my favorite John Mayer song--Stop This Train, and actually half-succeeded(well, no one can ever make Stop This Train sound perfect besides John Mayer himself) really impressed me. the entire video made me smile, and even his meager attempts at the high notes also made my day. Cameron Mitchell is no horrible singer; he's good, i just don't like his style, i suppose. not my cup 'o tea.

there is one thing about him, though. the Wikipedia article about him says that he's from Texas. i know i'm being completely stereotypical and maybe even hypocritical now, but i'm pretty much in love with Texas--the ranches and cowboys; although i'm pretty sure he ain't a cowboy.

nevertheless, this has been my account on listening to Cameron Mitchell for the first time. (okay, i lied, the first song i looked for was Blackbird, but i like this cover better.) just had the urge to write. Music Wednesday, anyone?

i know, i'm getting all my alliterations wrong.

have a nice day, you!

p/s: thanks for reading until the end!

books consume me.

2011-10-11T22:26:00.000+08:00

spent rm66 on all of these books today.

Velocity is something i've always wanted to read since the day i saw it at TC Mall's Borders, and The Good Guy is just something extra that seemed equally as thrilling.

this is three volumes in one book, and you cannot imagine the thickness of it. price? RM8.

The Dog! i will stare at this book and squeal shamelessly every time i feel hopeless.

'Iorek Byrnison' was on the back cover of this book, and i knew immediately that i had to get this. small and light, beautifully designed. even comes with a mini board game!

just one of those books i know i have to read. book instincts.

where did i go, you ask?

the annual Big Bad Wolf Book Sale!

head on down to their website to see how you can head there, fellow Malaysians!

p/s: boring post is boring. i will never be able to read any of these books until after STPM because, well, i have STPM to deal with and mainly just because they're all stuck in my cupboard.

p/p/s: my cupboard is now full. i cannot buy any more books until i finish reading all the unread ones.

p/p/p/s: or until i get a new bookshelf, that is.

Magic Man again.

2011-10-10T02:42:00.001+08:00

i'm starting to really like this character. he really needs a name. and a real background story.
p/s: if you didn't know, i drew this. kthxbai.

i'll be standing right next to you.

2011-10-03T21:29:00.003+08:00

this made me smile a whole lot. (:

it flew.

2011-09-30T23:31:00.001+08:00

September brushed past me like a swallow(the bird). beautiful, small, and agile.

i discovered that it only takes a best friend to be there for your best friend when they need you. they really don't need anything else, they just need you, and immediately they shed their mask and return to their original self. i love my best friends--i honestly won't have a clue to live life if i lost either of them.

my birthday was absolutely lovely. this is my first time wearing a proper dress again in a very, very long time, so it was pretty special for me. attended two dinners and celebrated with both the high school friends and Form6 buddies. both dinners were very unreal and dream-like to me. everything was a little too perfect. nothing turned out to be what i expected it to be, but perfection was tucked in every little corner. i felt very, very, very loved. i feel completely loved. maybe it was just me who didn't have high expectations because i never know how to celebrate my birthday that left me so happy, nevertheless, i am happy. mainly from the company.

September was also the month i first witnessed the boys(Bryan, Hoc Leong and Ken-Ji) play squash after hearing them talk about it so much in class. yeah, i miss out a lot when it comes to sports-related topics or activities. i suck that much. as i watched them play, i really thought that my love for observing people(more like stalking them) is slowly growing into an obsession. not yet, but i can feel it overpowering myself. i love to watch people do stuff--it's strange, i know, but it's become a sort of a habit now. i grew up watching my brother playing video games because i was terrible in them. i guess i find a sort of satisfaction by imagining myself in their shoes instead of rocking the real thing. i'm a dreamer like that. all and all, it was very pleasant to just spend a few hours watching them play and distracting them with my bubble-blowing skills. (too bad i didn't take any pictures)

spent the last day of September 2011 getting my certificate for co-curricular activities in school, breakfast time with friends and time spent with PohPui and Elaine.

we'll remember. i'll remember.

posting up photos of the presents i got this year upon Li Ann's request. HI LI ANN.

2011-09-26T23:38:00.000+08:00

this was supposed to be my 'letdown' present, to disappoint me, but i got really excited with all the orange and the popsicle design and the bubble solution that i could really just live with that ONE present.

and then i got the rest. :D

art diary book thing. blank notebook, basically. PURDY

paper frames! yet to know what to do with'em.

felt alphabets! WILL FRAME THIS UP.

apparently this is my dildo. ew. BUT HEY, MORE BUBBLE SOLUTION!

WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

freaking STACK of letters! lovely people ;w;

the Big Bang pillow from Kah Lin.

and elephant-shaped clips from Bryan.

(i thought) i knew.

2011-09-26T16:07:00.001+08:00

my friend asked me a wonderful question last night. i was talking to her about what kinda guy would fall for her and i told her i never imagined anyone to fall for me, so she asked me to do something simple and start by loving myself. here's the question : "what do you like about yourself?"

sounds simple enough, doesn't it? i've asked a few of my friends, and a couple of them said they like everything about themselves, while my friend(the same one who asked me this question) told me how she likes that even though she grumbles a lot about it, she ends up helping her friends as much as she can.

i've never thought of it this way. i know what sort of good and bad qualities i possess, but i have never questioned myself which parts of myself that i actually liked. with every little thing that i say i like about myself, a very soft but assuring voice makes up an excuse to counter that point and soon, i am left with nothing about myself to like. it's not like i hate or despite myself, either. i just can't seem to find anything about myself which i completely like. i can tell you a whole list of stuff i don't like about myself, though. things i can improve on. it just never seems like i'm ever going to be enough for myself.

~~yeah, leave me alone to die with 17 cats. i will never learn to love anyone else, because i cannot even love myself.~~

hello there.

i have a list of things i like about myself. i suppose.

1. i like that i love animals.

2. i like that i actually enjoy spending my money on gifts more than anything else(besides food)

3. (it's abit torturous to myself, but) i like that i can see all the good bits in someone else no matter how bad they say that person is/can be.

4. i like that i'm not a girlie girl who talks about make-up and dresses and boys. i like that i'm more than that.

5. i like that i'm still quite a kid(under-exposed, but still kinda glad that i'm still childish)

6. i like that i laugh really loud. even though my mom scolds me for doing so. (:

have a good day. think nice thoughts. about yourself. which you like.

goodbye (:

a little pinch of memories.

2011-09-24T01:24:00.000+08:00

overdue photos.

a little late this year, but all the while on time.

2011-09-24T00:09:00.000+08:00

lovely photos of me taken by Li Ann. I LOOK ABSOLUTELY LOVELY.

(SO DO KAH LIN)

behold, the photogenic kids and Bryan...studying.

lady-like hands.

THE AWESOMENESS OF MY PHONE SCREEN. NOTHINGNESS.

they're SO adorable! i want to pinch their cheeeeeks.

Zombie Zhuo Liang was pretty zombiefied that night. i apologize for the boredom.

annoyingly photogenic hocleong. my favorite photo from this entire outing. damn.

ken-ji : "are you positively sure that you WANT to marry ALL five of them?"

me : "mmmmm-hmm."

hahahaha. he just seems like some sort of counselor here. (:

excited little me with my Big Bang pillow which Kah Lin gave to me. YAY!

(now i can hug all five of them AT ONCE!)

unhappy and dissatisfied hocleong is unhappy and dissatisfied from the fact that i was too focused in staring at my Big Bang pillow.

aaaaaand perhaps my second favorite photo from the outing.

Naj fits riiiiiight in!

little boy Ken-Ji is happy as a little boy on Yoshi.

Bryan = Malaysia's Next Top Model?

yeah, they made me ride it. for what, RM1? lovely entertainment.

i'm the best when it comes to making faces like this. BEST.

Y U SO CUTE, NAJ?! (he's nineteen too, by the way.)

Angry Naj?

those plushies. SO ADORABLE. ESPECIALLY THE TIGGER ONE.

but they're kind of already squished by all the other kids. ):

Hoc Leong who was actually playing with the pink egg-bird but replaced it with a more normal-looking baby chick for the photo. Li Ann's hand holding the pink egg-bird. EGG-BIRD!

okay, maybe he wasn't that zombiefied after all. i love how epic this looks.

i don't understand how Kah Lin can be so cute.

...see what i mean? WHY KAH LIN WHY.

clockwise from top left :

Kah Lin, Max, Kee Wei, Dinesh, Ken-Ji, Hoc Leong, Li Ann, Bryan, Naj, Zhuo Liang.

nevertheless, thank you all for coming. for spending time to celebrate this pointless celebration and for tolerating all that boredom during the outing. thank you for the photos, thank you for the food, thank you for the ice-cream, thank you for the gifts. it was a very, very lovely night and i enjoyed every single second of your(plural) presence. you are all lovely and awesome people. right now, i think i'll really miss Form Six once STPM ends.

i'd wear a dress for the friends i appreciate. i'd dress up girlie for you guys. and i did. (:

DOUBLE thank you!

this is a letter to all of you who attended the pre-birthday surprise dinner.

2011-09-20T23:01:00.003+08:00

dear all, i'm sorry if i didn't show enough surprise on my face, because feeling surprised is the emotion i am least capable to express, but rather than surprise, i felt a swirl of joy and nostalgia. i once celebrated another friend's surprise party at the same place with a previous crush(psh you obviously know who he is) and took one single photo i had with him there. that place now has more memories for me to reminisce upon. i am thankful to have friends like you, not just because you would take the time to remember my birthday, organize a dinner like this and take your time to come, but also for the fact that you all practically made the biggest part of my high school memories. thanks. (:

dear Jennifer, you didn't do a bad job organizing the thing.. i do miss hanging out with you, though. and taking silly photos and whatnot. i just seem too damn shy now to even fish out my camera from my bag. i don't know what's wrong with me. maybe i've been hiding from the world a little too much. i miss how you would just drag me to places and make me try new things or stuff like that. i miss that push of motivation. i hope you're doing well with yer boyfrennnnn, too. hee.

dear Candice, the letter is wonderful! i smiled so much at the letter, i would read it again and again! i'll put your letter in my box of stuff where i keep all the things my friends have wrote for me. i'll remember to read it when i feel absolutely horrible. (: i'm also touched to know that i'm your favorite person(really?) in your list of favorite people. well, if you have one. can we please go to KLCC one day and just hang out or take photos? i'm a little camera shy nowadays, sigh.

dear Dinesh, i felt like we dragged you there for no apparent reason, but thanks for staying anyways. thanks a LOOOOOT for staying and paying. really.

dear Benjamin, mullet wtf. this boy's hair is softer than mine! JELLY.

dear Montri, thank you for wearing the shirt i bought for you. you're one of the decent people who actually appreciates my gifts that much. :D thank you for not saying stupid things today, too. hahahahahah.

dear Erina, i want those photos. thanks for the notebook, aite. was quite worried that you were gonna give me some weird gift again. your hair looked amazing btw. thank you for coming, too (:

dear Wen Jun, ohai. PJCAD sounds like a nice place to go, but i'm not sure if i can afford for it. aiming for local unis right now, and i maybe doing English Literature, but like i said, i don't know yet. nothing's sure at this time of my life. thanks for coming, it's been a while since i saw you and i'm kind of glad to know that you didn't change as much. it's always nice to know. (:

dear Chang Nien, thank you for the compliment, and sorry again for not layan-ing you for almost the entire night. awkward surprise dinners are awkward to me. you'll always be my awkward best friend, though. :D thank you so much for coming, honestly didn't expect you to be there hahaha.

dear Yi Xuan, thanks for calling my mom and shits, haha. that was the thing i least expected. your acting skills are fosho awesomez. thank you so much for coming, and thank you so much for putting up with my lack of response and participation in the conversations we have in real life. you know how i am.

dear Melvin Goh whom Jennifer kept saying that you were gonna come, boy are you busy! really wished you were there, though. it's been a really long time since i saw you! but that's not necessarily a bad thing--judging by your tweets, you've been quite busy doing the right things in life--performing in church and accepting gigs, man you're making your way out there already! hope to see you soon, though (:

just, thank you.

p/s: if you didn't understand this entire post, tomorrow is my birthday and my high school friends (who're mostly in college or unis now) organized a surprise pre-birthday dinner for me. they are a bunch whom i'll never forget.

look, new stuff!

2011-09-19T18:32:00.001+08:00

khaki gladiator flats(?) with chains from Nose. got these for half price!

black flats with little details (god i really suck at this) from Nose.

black Pittsburgh Penguins tee from F.O.S

blue football top thing from F.O.S

black&green checkered button-up top that's super-duper comfy from F.O.S.

high-waist dress from Brands Outlet. i have another one that's plain black.

how it looks like with the sleeves folded up and the belt that was included with it.

that's about it. two weeks and i've bought this much. i think my mom's just excited to see me in girlie stuff. now all i need is a satchel/clutch. GIRLIEEEEEE.

thank you mommy. :D

pan-cakes.

2011-09-19T00:22:00.005+08:00

pancakes at Li Ann's. spent my whole Sunday at her house watching X-Men First Class and Mr. Nobody, tumble, went out for a little grocery shopping and a lot of pancake-making in between. i'm stuffed. i still am. doubt i'll be eating pancakes for a while.

seven days.

2011-09-14T17:22:00.001+08:00

just watched The Boys Are Back on Star Movies Channel, Astro, and although the rain cut off a few scenes, the movie was still very, very good. fantastic movie to watch. it's the sort of movie you would watch, then smile a lot as you recall the scenes in your head. you'd also think about why haven't you been living your life like the people in the movie.

moving on!

tomorrow's the last day of my trial exams (FINALLY!), and i've yet to study anything for macroeconomic, which is the last paper tomorrow. plus i have an English Literature class afterward, where i am supposed to hand in an essay on the 'complexed relationship' of Amelie, Antoinette and Christophine from Wide Sargasso Sea. well, i suppose that's okay, because despite the fact that i have to do my chores on Friday, it's going to be a PUBLIC HOLIDAY on Friday! *note the capitalization and the exclamation mark which represents my sheer excitement to do absolutely nothing at home.

i'll be heading on over to Jasmine's house on Saturday for her Raya open house, so stay tuned for a truckload of photos! (i hope) i'll be pouring my guts out to take a photo with all those people i always wanted to take a photo with! mostly my Form6 friends, really.

question : should i wear a sundress this Saturday to the open house, or should i just dress for comfort?

if you like it then you should put a ring on it.

2011-09-11T21:09:00.000+08:00

surprisingly comfortable black dress : Elaine's

gold adidas flats which were loose but comfortableeee : Jasmine's

barely visible thumb ring : mine

hello there. this was the first official party i have attended in a dress and danced like there was no end. i could've gone crazier if i were in pants, though (: the party was organised for Jasmine's mom to celebrate her birthday, and it was a massive success because everyone completely caught her off-guard! she was literally in tears while hugging everyone she recognized in the room. the atmosphere was great. (: food was amazing too, especially the macaroons! peanut butterrrrrrrrr.

i will never get used to seeing myself without glasses. those two beautiful girls(from the first before-party photos) says i look pretty without them, haha. sorry for making you scroll like there was no end. trials isn't over yet, and September is passing quickly! i hope time won't fly past me when i settle myself down to study for real.

p/s: i find tank tops to be the best tops to wear right now thanks to the weather. i am learning to embrace my inner girlieness, and soon enough you'll see me in a sundress. (planning to cut that long skirt i have and make it into a shorter dress.)

see you after trials! ~~...or not.~~

the people i dreamt of becoming.

2011-09-07T01:19:00.001+08:00

when i was a kid, i dreamt of becoming a teacher. it was one of the silliest dreams i had. ambition, i used to call it. because the only sensible occupation around at the time was a teacher, and everything else seemed too hard--doctors, lawyers, accountants, i knew i couldn't be those. i had really nice primary school and kindergarten teachers who has placed me on that path. although i left that path pretty quickly afterward thanks to other strict and mean teachers who walked into my life. i never looked back, because i realized becoming a teacher maybe one of the toughest things i will do in life and i may even regret it really badly.

there was also this very short period of time when i dreamt of becoming an air-stewardess, but that dream was shattered when i started wearing glasses and my mom told me if you wore glasses, you couldn't be an air-stewardess.

at the age of twelve, my brother, who had a part-time job at my cousin's anime/manga shop(the store only lasted for a while, but it made a great impact on me) introduced me to my very first manga collection, Naruto. even before Naruto, i've been watching countless animes on tv--specifically Cardcaptor Sakura and Samurai X, which i grew up watching; Gensomaden Saiyuki, Gatekeepers, Ranma 1/2, and a few more animes which aired on the early stages of AXN also influenced me a whole lot. i still can't get over how cool it is to open a portal with your cellphone in Gatekeepers. Saiyuki has also become one of the greatest influences and inspirations to me in manga. my dream began there. i wanted to be a comic artist. i started drawing more than ever, copying styles and drew girls with painfully-proportioned anatomy. i dreamt of becoming a mangaka that bad.

along with that phase, i entered secondary school and was almost immediately swarmed by technology. i only had access to the Internet when i was 13 or 14, so everything was bright and shiny new to me, and the fact that we could now download music just made me euphoric. i worshiped singers--mostly Chinese at the time, but nonetheless i was still worshiping them like Gods. i didn't dream of just becoming a singer, i dreamt of becoming famous. this was probably a million people's dreams. well actually, it still is. i dreamt of standing on stage with my favorite singers, singing and performing with them, getting thunder-like applause, having an unlimited wardrobe--it was more than anything a person could wish for. i just didn't bother to see through their jobs back then. how those artists worked through days and nights for years to achieve what they have today. (i still want to be famous, though. for the things i'm actually good at.)

then comes the photography phase. when i was 17, DSLRs were beginning to make its way to people of my age group. it was a brand new experience to see photographers of the school's Editorial Board to hold these gigantic, intimidating and professional-like cameras, completely equipped with external flashes and a billion different types of lenses. awe, envy, jealousy, it was a rush of emotions whenever i saw cameras like those. i longed to hold one in my hands, and i would always imagine the sort of photos i would've taken if i had one of those DSLRs too. i dreamt of becoming a photographer.

since the age of 18 until now, i've also aspired to become a few other people:

1. from the influence of Big Bang and Jeremy Scott, a fashion designer, or someone with their own clothing label.

2. after reading a bunch of brochures from several art colleges and institutes, i wanted to be a graphic designer/ illustrator/ artist.

3. influenced by the subject and my English Literature teacher, i aspired to be a writer.

4. still under the inspiration of tumblr/flickr photos and a few photographer friends, to be a true photographer.

these are the people i could have become. i still hold these possibilities.

just reminding you and i about our dreams--the ones we have right now and the ones we've buried long ago.

One Republic - All This Time.

2011-09-03T14:26:00.000+08:00

all this time we were waiting for each other, all this time i was waiting for you

September is here and i want it to end as soon as possible. time is running out, i don't know what i'm doing after being swarmed by a flood of emotions--mainly disappointment and feeling like a failure. i'm alright now, although there's still a hint of those very emotions still stuck in me. it's been a while since i hoped this highly for something to go as planned, but alas, plans fail and things fall apart. maybe i took it a little too seriously--being a perfectionist--and i could hardly laugh about the matter.

another thing was just being someone who tried too hard to impress others. i'm just becoming a little too desperate again. i hate it when i actually love the attention i'm getting. i hate that i'm like this. forget it, you should know less.

all you should know is that i want September to go away quickly--as in i would not notice how the time would pass while i study my ass off for STPM. going to refrain from feeling hopeful for a while.

see you around.

i'm pretty good at screwing up.

2011-08-31T21:49:00.000+08:00

today i sort of ruined Bryan's day.

because i was too busy indulging in my long-awaited ice-cream.

while Bryan was trying real hard to study.

so i tried to make him happy again,

but nothing really worked.

(although he did take a piece of my Toblerone. which made me kinda glad)

so we went on over to IKEA for lunch(meatballs!), but he was still sorta unhappy.

i couldn't do anything about it, so he and Li Ann went home.

then the silly brothers came over for a PS2 session.

(naw, they're not brothers, they just appreciate bromance a lot.)

(...or maybe it's just me)

the end.

(p/s: sorry Bryan.)

(p/p/s: i don't hate you, Ken-Ji. and Hoc Leong.)

(p/p/p/s: i love you, Li Ann.)

fashion is what you say it is. there are no rules, no limits and no boundaries.

2011-08-25T21:11:00.000+08:00

mirrors are possibly one of the worst inventions ever created. yes, they're quite convenient when you need to pick out a nice outfit for a nice dinner, or when you've just finished eating corn on your first date and you need to check your teeth--wait, actually, no, those are still horrible too.

i believe that mirrors were created because we care about how people perceive us appearance-wise. and mirrors magnify this concept/thought a million times to the point that we begin to perceive ourselves as how we think others would perceive us. it's a terrible habit to change into a million outfits, and every time you stand in front of that full-length mirror, you'll point out that 'this hat looks weird' or 'no one wears leggings anymore' or even 'i look fat in this'. we've all forgotten how to not judge people, including ourselves.

you don't have to fix your hair repetitively until it looks 'perfect' to you, because it will always look imperfect to someone else. don't satisfy yourself through this act of yours. you need to remember that imperfection is exactly who we are: we dig our noses, we fart in public and never admits it, we're short/long-sighted, we have bad aiming, we're awfully poor at any sports games--it is precisely all of this, which makes us what we are today. we are the most perfect beings for being imperfect, because we know better. we know how to look past all of those things and stare at the beautiful secrets hidden within the different layers of a person. we would also learn to love these imperfections.

mirrors do the exact opposite. they crush you by leading you to think this and that about yourself. bad things. you don't have to listen to that person in the mirror sometimes. they're just your reflection after all, boys and girls. you just need to point at the mirror, and tell them to shut up. wear what you want, when you want it. nothing can feel better than that.

all you need is a little faith and confidence.

i went out for dinner today at a normal Chinese restaurant with no air-condition or whatsoever. you know, just the normal ones. i decided to wear my checkered pants(which resemble boxers' patterns), a black t-shirt, my orange Crocs and this red fitted cap i've only worn out once. i could feel the people staring, but i was happy. happy as a bird. i plan to do this again. next time i might actually remember to grab a photo of my outfit, despite the simplicity of it. (:

New Heights - Peaches.

2011-08-25T17:19:00.000+08:00

every tuition i spend with Jasmine is always a new experience. at times she is upset or mad, other times she is jolly and playful. i don't think i've ever met a more three-dimensional person than her. today, it was pleasant to sit in the car with her, discussing about fun matters. we don't talk a lot in class, yet every tuition class is able to somehow, bring us closer, even by just a micrometer. or maybe it's just me, hallucinating.

pre-menstrual tension. that's exactly the thing that has been putting me in continual mood swings--from full-frontal fury to a damned depression. i hate almost everything in sight and in hearing's range, and i either want to punch everyone in their faces or just run and hide from the world. it's a vicious cycle. i repeat this every month(actually, every girl has their own problems) and i can only try not to kill myself or anyone else. it hasn't always been like this. maybe this is the time where my hormones are at its peak of productions and i'm supposed to feel this way. or maybe i'm just an overly-sensitive, overly-paranoid and overly-self-conscious child.

whenever i'm in such a state, i lost my touch to writing or drawing--if i ever had one, that is. i doubt myself from head to toe, more than i usually do, and i dunk myself into a sick, twisted world of darkness, like a cookie into a glass of milk, absorbing every little bit of this darkness and letting it swallow me whole. i cannot do a thing. i am filled with gluttony, greed, envy, wrath and sloth. i long to taste every food that dubs itself unhealthy; i am greedy for the attention and love of someone, along with a silly and stubborn desire to shop; envy eats me up by teaching me to see the good in everyone else's life except my own; wrath is constantly in my belly, waiting to be unleashed upon an innocent victim; and i am encouraged by sloth to withdraw from this universe, momentarily. always just momentarily.

certain things bring joy to me during this period of time. the simplest among them all is actually getting something i want, something i desire. a light conversation. a stroll at the park. to play with dogs. to read a book. cookies n'cream flavored ice-cream. good news. plans gone right. little things.

and it's the littlest things such as these that would end up with a disastrous result, with me being completely furious. i try not to think about such possibilities. it's tough, but i try not to.

i'm not sure why i came about to write this. i apologize if i have ruined your day.

it's a week away from trials and i am far from being prepared. i am nothing but afraid.

just trust me and listen.

2011-08-21T17:51:00.000+08:00

lonely Sunday playlist.

2011-08-21T00:03:00.000+08:00

this is magic man. he doesn't have a name. yet. his hair is dull maroon in colour and the tattoo on his face is constantly changing. he always wears a feather earring on his left ear, and yes, he has high and obvious cheekbones. he functions like Nanny McPhee. only here when you need him but don't want him, and disappears when you want him but don't need him. he has, of course, magical powers which cannot be explained by science or logical terms. (insert the sound of the audience being amazed here)

i wish he existed.

meanwhile, happy birthday, Chong Hoc Leong!

(ignore the troll behind us, that's Faris from my class, haha)

well, he's not really my BEST friend, or a really good friend, or anything. is he my friend? i'm kidding. he is. he's indescribably annoying in class all the time--hyperactive, perhaps--always doing all these silly things and singing most of the time. he's also very photogenic in a very annoying way. and as much as i hate to admit it, this boy is one lazy ass, but he's smart. not just in terms of studies, but also in terms of making sense. he just doesn't try hard enough most of the times. i think if he were to try really hard to earn something one day, he'd gain a lot more than he had expected. am speaking the truth.

anyhow, i just got back from the whole Hoc Leong day at Sunway Pyramid(which is still an awful huge mall to me) an hour ago, and my eyes are only forcing themselves to open so i can finish this, this weird post. i don't have all the photos from today because they're all with Li Ann, as usual, so i'll save the photos for another day. it wasn't one of the best days because i messed up and had to make a couple of my friends starve for the entire day until dinner, and i still feel bad, but at least we celebrated Hoc Leong's birthday with food and cake. cake! (:

a sincere apology from me to Bryan and Li Ann. sorry for sending you wrong information and had you starve. sorry for ruining almost all of your day.

that's about it.

goodnight, world.

countryside cowboys.

2011-08-18T22:14:00.000+08:00

i blame Jensen Ackles(Dean Winchester) from Supernatural and Christian Kane(Eliot Spencer) from Leverage for getting me into country music. i also thank them.

brand new face.

2011-08-18T18:49:00.000+08:00

i stayed up until 12 something last night just so i can revamp my blog. and it took what, 30 minutes? the wonders of the Internet, and the simplicity of it.

in case you haven't noticed, i've moved everything from the sidebar to the bottom of this page. lazy to scroll? discover the wonders of the "End" button right above those arrow buttons on your keyboard. it leads you right to the bottom of the page without having to scroll until your wrist bleed.

no, i didn't bother to change the header. this will probably last forever. and by forever i mean until i'm so busy with life that i forget about blogging. maybe that'll happen. maybe it won't.

whatever it is, i'm loving this new skin. it's a galaxy, what's there not to love? and i know i've burned your eyes enough by making you read white text on a black background, so i've switched back to a plain white background for good. this skin may just last for a while. i can't stop myself from staring at the endless hues of purples and blues, dotted by white stardust and nebulae.

hope you enjoy.

Sideways Eight equals to infinity.

just three.

2011-08-17T21:37:00.001+08:00

books i really really want to buy:

Jeffery Archer stuff.
books about Wolverine(X-Men). (saw three in Popular today!)
One Day.
Water For Elephants.
When God Was A Rabbit.
The Earth Hummed In B Flat.
Blue Eyed Boy.
classics.
Stardust.
Harry Potter.
Stephen King stuff.
The Tiger's Curse.

things i really really want to do:

ride a horse.
go to KLCC park again. or maybe Kinokuniya.
take plenty of good photos.
read all the books i wanted to read.
get a nice, floral dress and nice shoes to go with girly clothes.
watch a bunch of movies. (Charlie St. Cloud and The Boys Are Back, especially)
draw a lot.

things i really really should do:

not blog.
not procrastinate.
not whine.
not read any books other than the ones i'm supposed to read.
study.
remember things.
buy birthday gifts. or make'em.
try really hard.

this world.

2011-08-16T18:06:00.001+08:00

LEARN from Rick Mereki on Vimeo.

EAT from Rick Mereki on Vimeo.

MOVE from Rick Mereki on Vimeo.

three amazing videos successfully made by three men, who went to 11 countries in 44 days.

these just can't stop making me smile.

and we'll always remember.

2011-08-14T20:46:00.001+08:00

if you watch enough Singaporean/Malaysian/Taiwanese drama series or game shows, you would realize that you have, indeed, seen all of these people on the poster before. if you have not, then i believe you've missed a whole lot of laughter in your life. no, don't tell me that you don't understand Mandarin/Hokkien/Cantonese or any other Chinese dialects, because Gurmit Singh who played Phua Chu Kang was in this particular movie too. although only for a few seconds, he was still in it.

the movie begins with the closing down of an old photography store. the girl, who is the granddaughter of the owner(deceased), takes down the old photos on the wall, while her mother tells her how those four photos were her grandmother's most treasured and favorite photos. the girl decides to visit one of her grandmother's old friends to identify the people in the photos, so she can return the photos to them. (all of these people who were photographed by her grandmother works in an amusement park in Singapore during the 70s.)

the movie is separated into four parts: first being the story of a mother and a son, the second being a sweet love story between two young people, a story of a woman who has waited for a man for 10 years, with a promise to marry her as the third story, and the last being the wedding night of a young couple, whose wife is mute.

why am i telling you all of this? because i cried. i cried a LOT. it's like i haven't cried in the longest time, and i've kept all those things inside, and for that few minutes, i was spilling all the tears i could. (although i had to control myself and actually muffle myself, because if i really cried out loud, i would've sounded like someone who was choking on air or someone who's diagnosed with a serious case of asthma. i had a hard time breathing, too.

this is a fantastic movie. fantastic. i'm not sure why, but Singapore movies tend to do these things to me: they make me laugh at first, then laugh more, then tear a little bit and smile, then laugh, then cry like there's no end and i'm left like that. i love this movie. i would watch it again, but maybe alone, at home, so i can really cry my guts out by then.

this is a movie about reminisces. about looking back in the past, about lost memories, good memories that will never be relived ever again, lost love, hope, the effects of war and technology, and most of all, it's a movie about ourselves. we may never work in an amusement park called The Great World in the 70s, but we will, somehow, become like the people in the movie. fall in love, know the people we love, wait for the people we love and lose love. we'll make memories, and we'll always remember.

time to sink in a little bit.

2011-08-13T23:51:00.002+08:00

as recommended by Tom Felton. his songs are pretty damn good!

Albany.

2011-08-08T20:17:00.002+08:00

i'm not sure how the saying goes, but it's somewhere along the lines of "when you come together with your old friends and reminisce about the old times, you feel old". on the contrary, i felt the exact opposite while reminiscing in the good times, today.

all of us gathered again after a long while. a very long while, in fact. the main reason why we've managed to pluck out some time to organize such a mini-gathering is because a dearly beloved friend is leaving for USA to further her studies there. i mean, it's not bad news entirely. she is going there with her boyfriend, and she is going to broaden her horizons. it's an amazing thing to happen to Pei Ning, and i am definitely happy for her.

so many memories flooded our senses as we began talking, letting loose. it's amazing how when we meet each other, we instantaneously knew how to be children again. we didn't feel old at all. at least, i didn't. i felt like i was the youngest i could ever be when i was with these girls. the energy was just splurging out of my brains, invading my organs and filling them with adrenaline. this is a perfect example of a good reunion. you're supposed to feel young again, because you relive every single memory that you've made with these same people. it feels great. it feels great to feel young, to feel that there isn't an end to this.

it's extremely comforting to know that some things has never changed, and will never change.

have fun, Pei Ning. i hope you go over there and gain a whole lot of experience. take care of yourself. well, i'm sure Yee Jin will protect you well. (:

(yeah i have a strange interest in pronouncing his Chinese name.)

you put a smile on my face.

2011-08-07T21:02:00.000+08:00

highlight of my day :

i went to Rock Corner at One Utama today, to look for an album for a friend. i was browsing and i couldn't find the album, so i went back to the front counter and searched among the newer albums instead. this Indian dude--around his late twenties or early thirties, i think--who was standing by the counter suddenly smiled at me and told me, "that's a really nice ring you have there" while pointing at my connected 'hope' ring. so i accepted his compliment with a smile and thanked him, then went back to browsing for the album.

finally i just gave in and asked the same Indian dude--since he was so friendly--to look for the album i was looking for, and he did. he talked to me for a little while, asking me about my favorite bands, MTV WorldStage(because i told him i like 30 Seconds to Mars and their album was the last album i purchased) and casual stuffs like that. he was really nice and all.

then, afterward, (now would be a good time to tell you that i was wearing the long flowy floral skirt i bought recently for the first time, today) he told me that i looked pretty in my skirt, and girls rarely dress like this anymore. but i did point out to him that today's my first time wearing a skirt in a long time, and he replied that i look pretty in it. this random person also tells me that i have a pretty and unique(HIS EXACT WORDS) smile, and right before i left, he told me he was going to miss my smile.

the whole thing probably lasted for only 15 minutes, and maybe from a certain point of view, this guy may seem like a pervert to you readers, but i swear, he had the most sincere tone when he was talking to me. maybe i'm too gullible, but in the end, he made my day. it's the first time i wore a skirt out, and this stranger compliments me with the least hesitance. it felt amazing, i swear.

thank you, stranger. i will visit ou's Rock Corner again real soon. :D

Gulp.

2011-08-07T00:35:00.000+08:00

this is so inspiring.

goodbye.

2011-08-05T18:20:00.000+08:00

it feels weird and horrible to write sad, angsty, emotional posts now. because now that i know it will affect any of you, one way or another, i'm afraid to let out my feelings anymore. i don't want anyone to feel the same or feel even worse after agreeing with what i have to say about my life or the world. i don't want to pass on that shitty burden. i refuse to let the world sink in the same sadness with me. i refuse to.

so maybe i won't tell you about my problems anymore. but what i will tell you, is what i might do out of frustration. here's a list of possibilities:

consume as much chocolate as possible until i am satisfied.
watch my favorite episodes of Supernatural over and over again.
listen to music that defines my situation.
sulk, be happy, sulk again.
run. (literally. like at the park, not away from the situation.)
daydream a little too much.
drown myself in depressing thoughts, knowing that no one will listen.
hugging Domo-kun.
listen to happy music for a change, in hope that some of it may make me smile again.
watch How I Met Your Mother to laugh it off.
watch movies containing situations which will never occur in my life. ever.
cry over spilled milk. (metaphorically.)
save lovely pictures and quotes from tumblr.
mainly just wasting a lot of time distracting myself, really.

i'm not going to post anything sad or emotional anymore. i'm going to write it all to myself and keep it all to myself--and if i must, a friend or two. but i'll try to avoid that option.

if you're going to be emotional and sad and mope all day, be my guest. just don't tell me i was right about something related to you. because it would hurt me to know that i've made you hurt even worse.

dear 12-year-old self,

2011-08-01T00:24:00.001+08:00

if you are wondering when i am from, don’t worry, i will tell you. it’s not exactly the biggest secret. i am from 2011, and i am seven years away from you.

seven years from now, you will not be in an art college. you will be discouraged by your relatives and your family to take up any courses related to arts. you will be in Form 6. you will not have a boyfriend or your first kiss yet. you will still hate dresses, and perhaps hate them even more. but you will not hate them because of their impracticality; you will come to dislike these pieces of clothing because other girls seem to look a million times better in them, compared to you. there will be a point of your life when you feel absolutely worthless and useless—and just when you thought you’ve gotten rid of that feeling, it comes back to haunt you whenever it wants to. there will also be times when you will feel beautiful and awesome, but these times will not last very long, so remember to cherish them.

seven years from now, you will still be a failure at athletics. however, you will turn out to be patient and tolerant—only so because you dislike arguments and are most likely afraid of them. on the other hand, this patience and tolerance of yours is breaking slowly in 2011, because you realize you simply cannot live with certain people and their habits. you will be a major procrastinator. you will be in love with either Caucasian artists/actors who has beautiful eyes, has a good sense of humor or Asian boys with small eyes and bright smiles. actually, you will love almost any male artist with bright, cheerful smiles.

seven years from now, you will not be driving. you don’t have a car and you still haven’t taken driving lessons, even by 2011. you will only have a few best friends whom you barely talk to, and you will not be in contact with almost any of your primary school friends. especially your primary school best friends. your family will be the same, but you will be facing a financial crisis wherein it pressures you to spend a lot less money. you will possess a strange interest in giving presents to people, too. especially friends. you will also learn to love to read. fiction, specifically.

seven years from now, you will know what it truly feels to be invisible. see-through. glass-like. you will be self-conscious. you will be paranoid. you will feel insecure. you will not have a Golden Retriever. you will still be unable to cycle or swim. you will dislike strangers and meeting new friends, especially if there are more sociable friends around with you. you will not be confident. you will not own heels. you will be less of a girl on the outside, but you will be so much more of a child on the inside.

seven years from now, you will seem like you are nineteen physically, yet mentally, you are regressing. regressing back to a kid again, refusing to grow up.

seven years from now, a lot will have changed. i hope you are happy, 12-year-old me. i hope you’ll remember that feeling. i hope you’ll always remember how to smile without even trying.

keeping my innocence.

2011-07-30T21:31:00.000+08:00

yesterday i went on over to The Curve to celebrate Jasmine's surprise birthday party. i wasn't exactly participating because i still can't get to know new friends right, especially when i know there's someone so much better at it than me present at the dinner. and i felt like an under-exposed child for not knowing how to react to stepping into a club-like environment(not exactly a club, but close enough).

today, after the Kuala Gandah Elephant Sanctuary trip, i realized that it's okay to be under-exposed. it only means i still have my lousy innocence--by 'lousy innocence' i mean 'gullibility'--and i still believe in child-like things. i like to be a kid. i'm not so into booze(whisky and wine are exceptions) or dancing it off in clubs, but i am still loving chocolate milk and dancing alone in my room. it may sound like a sad, miserably lonely life, but i know i would prefer a kid's life over an adult's life anytime. i don't want to be sophisticated. i like the simple things in life. simple things that don't deserve to be forgotten as we grow older.

(damn right i'll never go anywhere close to shisha places or clubs in the near future.)

anyhoooooo, i came back from a couple of places today. it was a school trip, actually, and i officially declare that i hate bus rides unless i have good company. (or a nice shoulder to sleep on.) other than going to Kuala Gandah, Pahang to visit the Elephant Sanctuary, we also went to a roasted groundnut processing factory and a tofu factory. when i say factories here i mean just small-to-medium sized buildings which produces such products.

i'll let the pictures do the talking now. click for larger image!

and above all, my three most favorite photos of the day:

it was a nice experience.

although i do hope that it's not so much of a tourist spot.

but as long as the elephants are happy and safe and still manage to behave like normal elephants instead of being pampered, i'll be okay with it.

list of animals to see in person :

1. polar bear

2. manta ray

3. narwhal

4. whale shark

just four so far.

Supernatural.

2011-07-28T00:48:00.000+08:00

the Winchester brothers. i have only watched Season 4 and 5, yet i'm already completely addicted to this supernatural series. i used to skip watching it on AXN thanks to the creepy advertisements they make out of the episodes(i can't take horror movies/series), and i regret so much now because i'm so curious about the beginning of the story and how Dean was like when he was in Hell.

the sole reason why i love Supernatural : the Winchester brothers.

i'm a girl, okay. i appreciate bromance. i'm often envious of boys because they can man up for their friends all the time and it's like the bond between them will never loosen or break. i like bromance. there is, a huge difference between bromance and gay relationships. i believe bromance is a form of love coming from the real bottom of your heart that has no hints of romantic feelings at all, and you just love this dude/friend/brother because you truly, truly care about them in a brotherly manner. gay relationships, on the other hand, is the boys-like-girls kinda love--except, it's boys-like-boys. get your facts right. bromance do NOT equal to gay relationships.

the second reason why i keep watching Supernatural? Jensen Ackles/Dean Winchester.

just look at that smile, okay?

Google helped. i won't lie, i have the biggest crushes for boys/men with beautiful eyes. and although Jensen's eyes aren't blue, they're definitely still beautiful.

this must be an old photo, but i can't even deny that he looks perfect here! with a HORSE.

i also harvest a sick, twisted love for bloody men in series/movies/games.

(ironic fact : i am quite afraid of blood in real life, especially if it's gushing out and everything)

by the way, he's 33 this year. and married.

Jensen Ackles play Dean Winchester like a boss. i love Dean's character. although he might turn out to be an ass in real life, his soft sides for his family and his weak self really brings out the Dean Winchester inside. the Dean who refuses to face reality, who refuses to be weak, who wants to protect his family all the time, more than his own life. Dean may not be the best big brother you will know(he's not exactly the hugging or cooking type), but once you come around to know his true intentions, you'll realize how much sacrifices he's done for you as a brother. it's exactly like that with Dean.

of course not forgetting Jared Padalecki/Sam Winchester.

(look at the difference with/without fringe. gee, Sam.)

despite being the 'buffer' or 'hotter' and 'taller' one in the series, i seem to lack interest in Jared. it's not that i hate him, either. i just don't seem to have a thing for him. the actor, i mean. the character's still really cool. he's almost the opposite of Dean. on the surface he's the intellectual one, but inside, he's always angry and violent, sometimes even arrogant, but he's afraid to let all of that show because, well, he IS the vessel for Lucifer.

and then there's also Castiel/Misha Collins.

Castiel wasn't one of my favorite characters when i first saw him in the series. i thought he would turn out to be really boring and uninteresting. well, apparently, his dullness becomes his greatest asset in the series, because it's always the jokes played on his seriousness, or with it, that are some of the funniest. his relationship with Dean Winchester is also something i'm quite fond of. how Castiel would act as a source of motivation in a very rebellious way. oh, did i mention Castiel is an angel? one who doesn't smile a whole lot throughout the series, unless you count the bloopers. he seems like a really cheerful person in real life, Misha.

but it's not like i can look at this photo and not think of Castiel, which is just weird because Castiel would never do anything cute like this. or be saddened in such an apparent way.

i maybe a whole lot too late, but hey, at least season 7 is releasing this year in September! if you don't mind supernatural stories like these, blood and gore, too many dudes in a show and too little ladies, then go ahead and watch it! i need season 1,2,3 and 6 so desperately now.

MTV Worldstage Live In Malaysia 2011.

2011-07-25T21:31:00.000+08:00

the experience was horrible. no, don't go away just yet.

apart from the insane live music that blew my mind and the incredible artists who were present, it was horrible.

let me begin with the worse parts of Worldstage Malaysia 2011.

i'm not going to complain about the queue and all that crap, so here i go on something else that's close: Malaysian audience, you really kinda sucked. all the pushing, all the glares given, and all the what-the-hell-are-you-trying-to-do-by-hugging-your-girl-in-a-concert going on. my friend's brother came with his girlfriend, but at least he didn't put up a freaking force field with his own body around her for the whole entire time. not to mention how tall this idiot was, and he was having so much fun trying to record every single gig. (yes, i have a lot of hate for this particular person--he practically blocked almost my entire field of vision after Neon Trees came out.)

second of all, yeah, still the audience. it's bad enough that BEAST have to come all the way here from Korea that's obviously cooler than Malaysia most of the times in their nice suits and performance clothes, but i honestly think that it's unnecessary to throw back the flowers they threw at you. they were trying to aim at their fans, dudes. just because you were in the x-zone/mosh pit, does NOT mean you can make fun of their performance like that. have some respect, you idiots. (yeah, it happened more than once. you may not LIKE k-pop or the idea of k-pop, so back off and go love your own music. don't diss other people's music. you have your choices, they have theirs.) again, i'm pretty pissed.

thirdly, um, yeah, still the damn audience. audience who just don't seem to have ears on the side of their heads. maybe their ears are hidden inside of their eyes or something. the VJs clearly said no pushing because everyone wants to have fun tonight--yet everyone had a little too much fun and started to push their way to the front to have MORE fun! smoking was obviously prohibited, hence the puffs of white smoke that clearly looks too familiar to the eyes and smell too familiar to the nose. yeah, sure, it makes so much sense--probably just the cold weather and everyone's breathing hot air.

and then there's all the messed up, in-between waiting times. by the time Neon Trees were out, i didn't know half of the songs they were singing (but they were really good as a live band, i swear), and i was already tired from all the people pushing and smoking and so much drama around us. MTV made u wait for 20-30 minutes for each band to actually come out and perform five songs. FIVE. (that's a completely different story for 30 Seconds to Mars, though.)

well, aside from all that nonsense, it was great.

Pop Shuvit

they exceeded my expectations. a LOT. i used to listen to their songs, but they were just okay and so-so. when they got up that stage, and the sun was still up, everyone was already too hyped up from their live music. well, at least i was. they sound INCREDIBLE when they play live. even when they're with Project E.A.R.(East Asian Revolution), they sounded terrific. one of the local bands that i'm definitely proud of.

B2ST/BEAST

i think they didn't sound particularly great that night due to the booming music ~~and the bipolar audience~~. it was really nice to see them all in person, though. Hyun Seung was as 'overly-expressive' as we see him in music shows, Jun Hyung refused to take off his shades, Ki Kwang got the most screams so i didn't really bother screaming, Dong Woon and Yo Seob--my favorite vocalists, sounded perfect! while Doo Joon... well, he sweated a lot. so much that when the camera was pointing at him, his face was glistening. literally. Doo Joon seemed tired, though. the rest of the boys had fun--especially Ki Kwang, but Doo Joon just looked sick and tired in a way. either way, i think they did well. ~~despite the audience.~~

Neon Trees

like i said, i didn't know four out of the five songs they performed. however, they did sound particularly awesome, in an eccentrically funky way. Tyler, the vocalist, was definitely full of the eccentricity--the way he introduced songs was just peculiarly fascinating. absolutely one of the bands worth looking forward to. for their next album, i mean. the sort of band that would make you wonder what they're going to come up with next. they're cool. very very cool.

30 Seconds To Mars

by the time Jared, Shannon and Tomo came on stage, i believe almost half of the audience have already left. half of that half must have been BEAST fans and the other half just decided to go home in a frustrating manner because of the shitty audience. yes, shitty would pretty much describe the audience. Jared was extremely kind to us, though. he was so friendly everyone momentarily forgot that he's actually a singer, and then when he started singing again we'd be singing along. i couldn't really catch much of Tomo because he was on the other side of the stage, but man were we lucky to be on Shannon's side of the stage. you have to admit, that is one sexy drummer. i was surprised too, when Jared appeared in all black--black hair, black cape-like top, black skirt(yes), black pants. the cape made him look like a wizard.

Escape, Beautiful Lie, Attack, Search and Destroy, This Is War, 100 Suns, Vox Populi, The Kill(acoustic), Hurricane(acoustic), Closer to the Edge, Kings and Queens(encore).

everything sounded amazing. Jared was saying things like :

"hey what happened to the people who were on their friends' shoulders just now? i want to see you guys come back up, like this guy here" and
"i would really love to hold your flag, but i was told i can't. i don't want to be disrespectful here now, but i have to say, that is an absolutely beautiful flag" and
"your country is absolutely beautiful"

and so much more. he was so kind to us.

i felt like we were all in the music video when they were playing Closer To The Edge. now that i'm listening to the This Is War album again, i'm still getting goosebumps. i will never forget that night. never.

thank you, 30 Seconds to Mars. thank you, Jared, Shannon and Tomo. thank you.

that was one of the best nights i ever had.

photos taken from mikeyip.com. yes, i googled for photos.

stacked up.

2011-07-19T22:48:00.000+08:00

there's always that one thing. when you do it, you forget to eat or drink, and you're completely absorbed in it. then when you finally snap out of it, you feel like you haven't slept for an entire night--maybe two, and you're ready to go to bed looking at your work.

for me, that one thing, is art.

and some overdue pictures from the Harry Potter premiere, with the tickets and a couple of excited Harry Potter hardcore fans(Li Ann and Bryan, of course).

oh. look what i got from a friend of my mom's.

AWYEAHHHHHHH.

all the way from Korea, baby.

make history.

2011-07-18T20:12:00.000+08:00

my name is Tan Xin Wei.

i am eighteen turning nineteen this year, in two more months.

i grew up in a typical Chinese family in Malaysia.

today was the first time i got to go out to the park on my own. alone. without anyone.

my first time, after nineteen years.

i know things are changing when my mom decides to let me do such an outrageous(according to her, at least) thing.

note to self : nothing is easy. the things you think are 'easy' is because you've done them for your entire lifetime. things become 'easy' when you've done them more than a thousand times.

run.

2011-07-16T19:09:00.001+08:00

well, i wasn't having the best day yesterday. after two weeks of trying to get the team's marching right and the formation right, we ended up in 3rd place. then i came home feeling overly under-appreciated, and i was so filled with rage and jealousy that i could barely recognize myself. i was in such a mess and i was holding in all the tears, repetitively telling myself not to cry over tiny little things like these. that i am invisible to begin with, and there's really no cure to it. i've just accepted the fact that i will never be a great leader, and my voice will never make a difference in any decision made.

just thinking about this issue again makes my chest tightens.

currently listening to Paramore's Brick By Boring Brick, and feeling powerless. not in a physical manner, but mentally. as though i have no charge against any changes made to my life, and i am powerless to make my own decisions. after all, i am a coward.

i don't want to bring up certain issues with my parents because i know they are tired with work and the family's financial problems. i refuse to talk to certain friends about things like these because i don't want to burden them with my troubles. right now, there are only precisely two friends i know i can rant to without really bothering them, because we know how much we rely on each other. at least, i do. and my blog--this one and tumblr, are perhaps, my only refuges to all these emotional wreckage. i can only run in my mind, helplessly.

i've come to perceive the world in such a way that if i know the answer for sure, i will not ask the question. like asking if "you're okay" or getting permission to do the littlest things. i know the answers, thus i don't ask. it's futile to ask.

and it's not like i don't want to smile. i want to smile. it's just that sometimes i'm too tired of smiling. stop asking why i'm having a bad day, because if you ask, i won't answer, for i don't want to end up looking like a complete fool in front of you. i might end up in tears, and until i am able to strip off all of my armours and shields before that one, or perhaps two, special beings, i will not speak of my petty problems.

they are not worth mentioning at all. i may not be able to hide the pain or anger from my expression, but i will at least, hide away the entire story within my lips.

The Boy Who Lived.

2011-07-13T00:44:00.000+08:00

don't you have that movie you grew up with? sequel after sequel, or perhaps just a chain of movies, unrelated to each other? mine was particularly the first.

i can hardly remember how i came upon to the Harry Potter series when i've never even read the book before, but i clearly remember watching Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban in the cinemas on the week it was premiered. i've never given much thought to the series, because at that point, there wasn't really anyone to share my fandom with. Form 6 opened a lot of doors and windows for me; one being getting to know a couple of hardcore Harry Potter fans, who actually read the book.

i watched the movie premiere with Bryan, Li Ann and Sabrina, but the first two are given the most credit, because i believe the final movie means more than the world to them. the audience was great, too--appearing at the premiere in Slytherin and Gryffindor robes and ties, some even with a Deathly Hallows logo printed on their t-shirt.

the movie was... magical. it was a form of ceremony, where i transformed from a child into an adult. not entirely an adult yet, but when the credits began to roll, i felt as though a huge part of my child-self has been engulfed and swallowed along with the movie. and everything seemed a little less brighter. or i could be just sleepy. i expected Snape to be good and kind, yes--but not to that extent. his memories are the parts i want to relive the most right now. you may think that i am exaggerating, but it is what this movie means to me. a part of myself has ended, together with the movie. i intend to read all seven books once STPM is over, and then re-watch the entire series again.

everything seems meaningless right now. everything seems so unreal.

p/s : i still have the Deathly Hallows symbol on my left hand. it'll wash off quite easily, but i intend to let it stay as long as possible.

massacre.

2011-07-08T21:25:00.000+08:00

it's going to be a long week ahead.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2 global premiere.
four more marching practices.
Sports' Day rehearsals.
Sports' Day itself.

okay maybe so it won't be so much of a long week, but i'll definitely feel a lot more relieved after next Friday, which is Sports' Day. ohhhhhh the horror.

also, STPM trials is starting on the 7th of September.

whoopdeedoo!

i miss Cavan.

i'm procrastinating right now. just tonight. maybe i'll stay up late to study.

for now, to watch Running Man!

p/s: don't mind the title, i just randomly picked a word in my mind.

nothing.

2011-07-07T23:15:00.000+08:00

i don't think i'm considered as a great friend.

i'm never the one who does the 'right things' at the right time. i don't say the right things, either. i don't instinctively hug my friend when i see them sad; i don't tell them they're outrageously awesome when they're insecure; i don't buy them ice-cream to make them feel better; i don't try to bring them for a walk to forget about the bad stuff. i don't.

the right words never escape my lips, and i am frozen when my friends tell me they're "not okay" or "in pain" or things like that. frozen. i don't know what to say or what to do. besides the extremely overused "it'll be fine/okay", or the occasional smile, i don't know what else to do.

i can't sing a song for you, i can't dance a silly dance for you. all i can do is sit, watch, and listen. and be there. that's all i can do.

i don't think i'm considered as a great friend at all.

a good-enough friend, perhaps, but not a great friend.

it's been a while.

2011-07-06T20:28:00.000+08:00

hello loves!

i suppose it’s safe to say that i haven’t been alright these days. i’ve been messed up by my own emotions, felt invisible and blocked out, then a whirlpool of stress swallowed me up. i’m feeling sick now. not superbly ill, but just enough to get myself a reason to stay home tomorrow. i’m not willing to take the risk that i may fall sick next week on the Big Day, aka our school’s Sports’ Day!

it feels like it’s been a while since i actually wrote anything about my personal life. usually it would be about a certain issue—be it insecurities or parent problems, but here i am, with warm eyes, a dry throat, and my head feeling heavy, writing to you about how my days have been in the simplest words. no abstract language, no deception, no facades.

ow. i just hit my knee. never mind that. things have been quite stressful, i suppose. what with STPM trials arriving in less than 10 weeks and Sports’ Day arriving in less than 2 weeks. well, let’s don’t talk about that, shall we? it’ll only remind me more about how tired i’m going to be after next week. i don’t even know how i’m going to study on weekdays until Sports’ Day is actually over.

Bryan still hasn’t told me his story, but we both found out that we’re pretty… what, compatible? in terms of being friends, that is. how we both like cookies n’ cream from Baskin Robbins, how we understand the severity of a financial crisis. you know, things like that. it feels good, to be honest. to be pulled a little closer to someone, i mean. to feel like you're becoming a tiny part of them and they're doing the same.

Jasmine called just awhile ago. we only talked for 15 minutes, but it felt so long. maybe because it was nice talking to her again. haven’t talked to her in days and i felt kinda horrible for not doing so. the reason why i didn’t talk to her in days was because she was always occupied. there was always someone—her boyfriend, her best friend. maybe i’m too much of a coward to even tell her this on messenger, but i feel inferior to her circle of friends. she’s like my previous crush—he was popular and he knew a lot of people i didn’t, too. it feels almost exactly the same with Jasmine, ‘almost’ because Jasmine’s a girl and i’m not crushing on her. my confidence is merely standing in my way from talking to her, because i’ve experienced being scolded and nearly being isolated for trying to mingle with the people i wasn’t suppose to mingle with. fear stands in my way. i stand in my way. and yes, apparently, i still believe in that popularity shit.

it's hard for me to be friendly like Ken-Ji or Elaine or Hoc Leong. it's hard. it's not as tough anymore, but i am still in the process of learning, and i still don't consider myself as friendly.

i suppose there are a lot of things that poses itself as tough obstacles to me. accepting myself as a whole, socializing, studying, becoming fit, overcoming the family's financial problems, earning a scholarship, getting a boyfriend(or really, just someone who reciprocates the warm, fuzzy feeling), and so forth. but i suppose there are harder things in life, such as poverty, malaria and AIDS. or tsunamis, earthquakes and typhoons. or losing a loved one. or trying to live without a loved one. my so-called problems would be microscopic if they were compared to these things.

oh, i ended up blogging about weird, worldly things again. my bad. i haven't took decent pictures in a while. i miss Cavan. he was sent to be fixed. maybe i'll go check with the store this weekend.

i have no beautiful words, photos or interesting events for you to read. it's just me. i'm a little plain, but i'm enough for myself. i'm trying to think that way right now. everyone in the world is fighting a war. this would be mine.

have a little faith, you. just a little will do.

here's another one.

2011-06-30T00:56:00.000+08:00

got a few friends to come over my house just awhile ago. okay, so maybe 7 people isn't counted as 'a few', but it was great. it's nice to know sometimes that your friends from high school never really did change the way you thought they did, and how everyone would mingle without really leaving anyone out. then some would talk about bits and pieces of the past but most of us would just focus on the present and the future. some are worried for college, some are planning to going abroad, some are just having their lives going smoothly.

things like these sort of soothe me, even though it bothers me that in perhaps, three or four years, we may never talk to each other again and we'll move on with our lives. but that's okay, i suppose. i guess i'm prepared for those things to happen anyways. it doesn't seem like i'm paying a whole lot of attention on them anymore, and i actually feel sort of guilty. maybe it's because that they're all in college and i'm still doing my Six Form studies. yeah, maybe.

hey, why didn't we take a photo?

i think i'm blogging a little too much in the middle of the night now.

mid-night, literally.

bit by bit.

2011-06-29T00:05:00.000+08:00

i figured reading The Perks of Being a Wallflower can depress a person quite badly, especially if you're a girl and you're having pre-menstrual syndromes. AND if you're listening to pathetically sad, sad songs.

it's a real good read, even though i haven't finished it just yet. it's only been two days and i'm almost finishing it already. maybe some people read faster; i wouldn't know. i really like Charlie in the story. the narrator, i mean. if you don't know what The Perks of Being a Wallflower is, you ought to read the synopsis over at Wikipedia. they're even producing a movie out of it, with Emma Watson as Sam and Logan Lermann from Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief is playing Charlie. don't even try to mess with me and ask who Emma Watson is. it's general knowledge. everyone knows.

wrote an essay for English Literature today. overdue assignment. i think i did a horrible job. or it could just be my extreme lack of confidence thanks to PMS. i'm supposed to finish two more by tonight, but i'm also supposed to discuss it with Jasmine. she's not feeling well, so i can't discuss with her, and now i don't know what to do. clueless.

also tried fixing the wireless connection for dad's computer downstairs just now, but failed miserably and i still don't know what the problem is.

i'm talking to a 19-year-old Finnish boy now. on Omegle.com. the conversation is going quite nice. talking to a stranger halfway across the world turns out to be pretty distracting and comforting at the same time. he's telling me about how Finnish and Swedish are their official languages, but they're required to study English because it's 'the world's language'. i really love the sound of that. even though it makes English sound a little overrated, but it's a fact that can't be denied. my conversation with him was lovely. even knew his name--Elias.

Charlie from Wallflower has a really good memory. i wish i'm a little more like him.

midnight thoughts.

2011-06-28T00:47:00.001+08:00

it's midnight and here i am, listening to all sorts of songs that seem happysad,but mostly sad. i tried to finish watching Shaun of the Dead, but guilt overtook me and i just closed the video. i was reading The Perks Of Being A Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky, and it's not helping, it's not helping at all with all this stress and suffocation. i'm not being suffocated, but i guess i'm close. there are people who're facing worse situations than i am, so i can't complain.

i don't want to go to school tomorrow. honestly. but i have to. i don't know why exactly, but i have to.

a friend called me just now, saying she wanted to hear my voice. life's been rough on her, and i couldn't do a thing but listen. i'm a complete failure when it comes to comforting people and saying nice things. they just can't seem to escape my lips, those nice words. some people say it with complete ease, whilst i'm the opposite of those people.

listening to David Choi's version of Rocketeer now. an online friend of mine from Singapore went for his showcase/concert in S'pore itself and filmed him singing. his raggedy and torn voice always seem to get his way into that deepest, darkest corner of your heart. it doesn't exactly brightens up that spot, but it just sort of lingers, and sometimes it magnifies that patch of darkness, sometimes it diminishes it. right now, it's doing the first to me.

maybe hormones are screwing with me. maybe i'm just beginning to taste the stress i'm about to face in about a week's time. maybe i'll be able to let loose a little on Wednesday. then Thursday it's back to business again because there's tuition. oh how i feel like running again. running away.

wish i was one of those people who stays up late and gets mad inspirational in the dead of the night. but i'm not.

i'm acting like a child now. can i not go to school tomorrow, life?

The Perks of Being a Wallflower.

2011-06-26T23:08:00.001+08:00

(photo taken off tumblr)

i am proud to announce that i have finally found the book i've longed for since i first laid eyes on it, and purchased it without an ounce of reluctance!

(mine's the exact same cover as the one in the photo!)

my mom and i spent a gallon of money today, but i think we had fun.

a Macbook costs freaking RM3099.

and i barely know how to use it. i panicked when i couldn't find the Windows button on the keyboard, okay.

back to studying and not sleeping.

p/s: still praying hard for Dae Sung to recover well.

p/p/s: and then i wonder about the amount of people who feel the same way as he does now, to live life in guilt, to kill a stranger by accident.

equine.

2011-06-23T22:24:00.001+08:00

horses are majestic animals to me. before i met Jasmine, horses have always seemed handsome and beautiful, graceful with every movement and utterly noble. i have also once pitied horses for being rode on. seems to me now that they are indeed, designed by God to be rode by man. i never had a deep love for horses before this, but like almost every other little girl, horses earned a special place in my heart. that dream to touch horses, ride them, walk with them on beaches like in those movies. those little but seemingly significant dreams that were too similar to everyone else's that i intentionally forgot about them.

she reignited that dream of mine recently. a small, unforgettable trip last year, and a simple promise that i never expected to be realized, because i didn't expect more of what i saw then. she brought me back to the same stable again, and i saw her ride.

the stables were definitely something of an inside thing--they never showed that in the movies, no. she took an old, white plastic chair, and in her fitting jodhpurs, she climbed on the chair and mounted the horse. his name is BJ, but i prefer to spell it as beejay. among the horses that she owns, beejay was my favorite, and still is my favorite. there's just something about him that's very silly, laid-back, and amusing all at once. on top of that, he's the friendliest(other than Roy) toward strangers. i like friendly ~~people~~ horses.

as the dust were dramatically blown away wherever she took beejay, the scene was breathtakingly unreal. it felt like a dream. as though i were asleep and no one bothered to wake me up. what a wonderful dream it wasn't. i snapped countless photos(and deleted as many) as i watched Jasmine take beejay around the area over and over again. although he was very eager to go back to the stable after we spent around 20 minutes in the sand-field(i don't know what's the correct term, or what else to call it), and i was feeling rather tired and drowsy already, it was an experience i could never forget.

then popped the big question when we were in the car. Jasmine was sending me home. "would you want to ride if you were given the chance to?" would i? my mind was completely blank when the question was asked. i didn't know how to response. my gut was telling me to say yes, but my brain hesitated and told me otherwise. i thought of the expenses, the trouble i would put my friend through, and the strangeness of involving myself in riding one of these majestic animals.

truthfully, i was afraid of animals when i was younger. my mom forbade me from touching any stray animals, thus developing a sub-conscious fear for these creatures, and eventually, most animals. she communicates well with animals. i'm unsure if i am able to do the same. myself, a person who is apparently in Kadet Remaja Sekolah but am afraid of slopes and crossing big gaps, riding horses? i can only picture that in my sleep.

then again, i wouldn't turn down the offer of riding a horse if i had the chance to.

the answer is a yes. despite not being as passionate about horses as Jasmine is, i want to experience it.

here's beejay! this was 6 months ago.

clinging onto time.

2011-06-20T18:04:00.000+08:00

it scares me. how time is ticking away so quietly like a shadow in the night, and how we are unable to sense that time is just slipping away from our fingertips. it's already the 20th of June. Sports' Day is in a week and i want to win this desperately. i need to start studying so many things right now. all of the subjects, actually. yet i still find myself still leisurely goofing off around the house, refusing to bathe and looking for a million excuses to avoid studying or doing my homework. or else, my mind would be completely distracted with watching either Running Man or Family Outing on my computer.

so save me. i'll start saving myself now.

i make too many empty promises to myself.

goodbye Wordless Mondays. because nobody really reads all of this, anyways. right?

if you're there, please respond.

night out with a boy.

2011-06-20T01:27:00.000+08:00

wow the title sounds like a date already. well, it was a date. and it wasn't. it was a date with a friend, silly. what were you thinking about?

Naj treated me to a night of movies and… McDonald’s. how unromantic. i’m kidding. i would probably die from utter disgust and guilt if we were involved in anything romantic. i’m not denying that he’s a really nice boy, it’s just that we’re friends and i can’t see him as, well, my boyfriend or anything. oh, even by just typing that out made me feel awfully weird.

the reason why he paid for the night’s expenses was because he’s in my R&D group and i've let everyone on my group refer to my report when they were doing their own. barter system. this is just what i get in return, and it’s all lovely. hey, McDonald’s and a movie isn’t cheap either, okay. i appreciated the night a lot.

maybe i over-analyze too much and maybe i’m a freak, but after just chilling and talking casually to Naj during dinner, and after he gave me a hug and left, i realize he’s one of the rare friends i have. the sort of friend who’s incredibly knowledgeable and actually passionate to know even more; the sort of friend who’s occasionally silly but you know he’s really good at completing work when he’s willing to; the sort of friend whom you really respect for his sort of thinking. yeah, that sort of friend. don’t think i have friends like that. he’s a first, i suppose. i don't know what else to say. he's just a really nice friend to be around with.

and yeah, he's the sort of friend who would hug people unhesitatingly. maybe it's the American experience. yeah, i don't really have a social life. most of my friends who give me hugs are girls or boys who kinda leave massive space in between us when we hug. how awkward. i like hugs. i like boys who hug their female friends without much thought about the possible spark of romanticism. don't get me wrong : i'm talking about friends here, not boyfriends. this doesn't mean i'm obsessed with boys who hug girls lovingly okay. that's beyond creepy, and i actually do know more than just one guy friend who hugs girls like this.

any girl who had/has Naj as their boyfriend/husband would be rather fortunate and blessed.

i want a short-term project like Julie did in Julie and Julia. 100 themes to draw, anyone? only i'd know. maybe i'll start tonight and post up the drawings everyday. then at least i'll try to organize my time wisely to draw, read, and study.

oh go to bed already, xinwei. you're going to wake up as a zombie tomorrow.

no photos for you. i sent my camera to be fixed, and i wouldn't have bothered to take photos with Naj, anyways. i find it awkward to do so. i prefer to secretly take candid shots. goodnight!

a two-in-one post.

2011-06-16T21:35:00.000+08:00

my English Literature teacher never fails to stimulate my thoughts every time i meet her. she's awesome. perhaps there are better words to describe her awesomeness, but right now i can't think of any, and i just want to say here that she's definitely on my list of People Whom I Respect The Most In Life.

we discussed Haunting the Tiger by K.S. Maniam today. the story is about a man named Muthu, who is on his deathbed recalling the past about how he failed to embrace life, thus missing out on many things and is unable to let go of the past as he refuses to die. so basically, this man was just very lost for his entire life and wasted his life just like that, but as he is dying, he regrets the life he has(or really, hasn't) led.

so, as my teacher, Puan Bahiyah was explaining about how miserable this guy was due to how his father treated him since he was young(his mother died when he was eight), and how he had low self-esteem and was self-conscious, i thought: oh crap, i'm kinda like this guy. low self-esteem? self-conscious? that's kind of written all over my face. so of course, what came into my mind next was pretty obvious :

"damn, i ain't spending my life like this guy here. that's not how life is meant to be lived."

well, they weren't those exact words, but the meaning is clearly the same. yes. i don't want to waste my life. they say your life flashes past your eyes like a movie as you die. i don't want the movie of my life to be dull and empty. hell no.

here's what you're going to do, Xin Wei.

you are going to be confident. you are. you know you are. there's just this little monster hiding within you, constantly trying to attack you so it can eat up your soul, bit by bit, when you're weeping inside. don't let that happen. it's not wrong to be greedy. it's not wrong to want things. just don't overdo it. i'm sure you can handle this on your own.

i may never be called beautiful by first sight, but i will be known as confident. i want to be confident. i can be confident. fringe or not, i am myself. dresses or jeans, i am myself. heels or sneakers, i am myself. i'm quite happy like this. maybe i'll seek for a few changes. maybe i'll never change certain things. it's up to me. it's my life. screw what those strangers think. screw what my friends or classmates think. i'll do this my way, and it's up to them if they like it or not--i wouldn't mind either.

i want to explore the world. i want to see a real polar bear. i want to take gorgeous photos and be in them. i want to draw and sing and dance and write. i want to wear dresses for the boy i will be in love with. i want to look good. i want to make my parents happy. i want to learn how to ride a bicycle. and so much more. these are the things i want, and you can't judge me because you don't know my story.

on a separate note, how is your life now?

i just watched a Korean television programme in the evening earlier today. a man who looked like a professor of some sorts was talking about happiness. he said that humans live to be impressed. we are happy when we are impressed or when we are praised. things go better when we are praised. we tend to work better.

when we are impressed by the things people say or do, like when your children scream "WOW DAD, MOM, YOU'RE AWESOME!" because you brought them out to the amusement park during the weekends, this makes you happy, doesn't it? when you are impressed by a beautiful scenery after climbing up to the peak of a mountain, you're happy, aren't you? these are the things that make you happy. these are the things that you truly want. to see and hear good things, to have good things happen to you. these are the things that are important to you.

don't we all want that sort of life? well get on starting by complimenting your family and friends. tell them to do the same more often, and Earth will be the happiest place in no time.

p/s: i munched on a raw carrot today. it was delicious.

i don't know me.

2011-06-14T17:34:00.000+08:00

i find my blog quite different, and quite eccentric if compared to the blogs i know. (well, excluding Jess', because she's capable of being weird and awesome at the same time. which makes her even more awesome)

after reading a few updates from a couple of my favorite blogs, i find myself feeling a little... odd. maybe 'lacking of a social life' would be the right phrase to describe the situation.

i don't have pets. i don't have a boyfriend. i don't go out with my friends a lot. i don't have any childhood friends to hang out with. i don't take a lot of photos with my friends--it's usually them taking photos with me. i'm not 'cool'. i maybe invisible. i don't go to any sort of religious gathering on a regular basis. i'm not daring. i don't camwhore. i don't think i'm pretty enough to camwhore anyways. and i do think posting up a gallon of your own photos, staring at the camera alone, is not just creepy but also quite annoying. i'm not fashionable.

i do have an obsession with Asian pop stars. i am self-conscious. i do take photos with my cousins. the only place i go to quite regularly is school and my tuition teacher's house. music is my best friend. i watch movies at home. i watch a little too much of Korean variety shows lately. i blog about things that are absolutely unconnected to me.

hmm. maybe i should start posting idiotic photos of myself.

p/s : i like cute things. i like to be cute. i'm childish AND Asian AND proud.

(wordless monday#9) : with a bang.

2011-06-13T17:48:00.001+08:00

i miss all of you. how goofy you are, what a family you all are, how childish you will always be no matter how much you've grown, how serious you are once you get up that stage to perform for your fans, what friendly people you are, i miss all of you. it's only been a month after the Japan tour ended, and i miss all of you.

especially you.

i hope you're doing fine after that traumatizing accident. i hope you're recovering. you are such a bright star, don't you know? you shine and glimmer so much so effortlessly. your voice was already amazing even before that surgery/accident. you will never sound different to me. you're an amazing, under-appreciated vocalist. you are silly and honestly, dumb and cowardly, but that's just how you are, and i love you for that. i don't care if they say you're the least good-looking one in Big Bang; you are enough. i will forever be in love with that goofy smile of yours.

do you know how much strength your smile is able to bring to the people?

you don't.

get well soon.

i'll see you all real soon.